Blame It On The Alcohol

Today was an interesting day. A day that I have been looking forward to for a few weeks now. I can't say it disappointed, because it didn't, I had fun. It is just something I am not sure I care to relive again. All week, I had been planning to get drunk at my friends 80s party and just really enjoy myself with friends that I love. Well, me being the awesome alcoholic(NOT), it didn't take much to feel like shit. 1 cup of coconut rum and fuze followed by Cocaine, the game not the drug, really did me in. Needless to say, I went and layed down on the couch, got up and proceeded to drink more and then layed down on the couch again. The 2nd time I woke up everyone was drunk it seemed. We had a dumbass do a dumbass thing but we won't get into the nitty gritty details. A whole lot of talking shit about others, which even drunk it made me mad. I am not a huge fan of two-faced people. ESPECIALLY when we are all in the Army together. You don't leave a battle out to dry or beat him down when he's not even there to defend himself. Because then, it just makes you a gossipy middle school girl. It was a lot to take in. And its definitely not my scene. Let me emphasize once again that I have no qualms with what was going on today for the most part. However, I DO feel like it made me realize I really like my boring life. I like seeing people drunk, getting tipsy enough to giggle and have a good time. I do not like feeling like shit or drunk texting or being needy. All happen when I am drunk. I hate it. They say your "true colors" show when you're drunk. I don't believe that, I think it brings out the worst in people. Well, maybe not everyone, but definitely me. Today I was overly competitive, lazy and worst of all, NEEDY. NEEDY AS HELL. All I wanted was for someone to sit on the couch with me and let me hold their hand. Ugh. To sum it all up, I wasn't proud of myself, I'm better than that. This isn't about morals and drinking, promise, its about how I hold myself to a higher standard than what I was today and I slacked because I wasn't in control of my actions like I should have been. But that game was way fun and I did do good. And darts was a very fun challenge. Made me slightly angry but thats okay. There is more on my mind. Alot more, but I choose not to disclose. Mostly because I'm not sure how to explain what I feel at the moment. So once I sort it out and can articulate things, I will be sure to vent/share.

LWRFC

This is going to be a selfish post, just warning you. For the last 2 years I have been learning rugby and playing it. I'm sure you all know this by now to say the least. I used to play for Lee University and due to what I wanted I can't play for them this semester. I have to be a full time student at Lee and I chose to do online classes through another school so that I couldn really get involved in my Army life for the time being. And its not that I regret this decision, its been a very important part of who I am, its just the circumstances really suck. My old teammates just got back from NATIONALS. Yes, NATIONALS. This is their 2nd year in the Matrix and they ended the season ranked #11 in the country. Truely an accomplishment, I won't get into the details of the hows or whys. Its disheartening to me to know that I haven't been there to give it my all. Because that team means the world to me. Our coach, how we learned, what we did as a team together. You hear frequently that you have special relationships that form when you are a part of a team. But these girls are truely a class of their own. The best team ever. Literally, EVER. I can't explain why it is but they are so incredibly different from any other group of people. It really shows that all the hard work and dedication payed off. Even though I know God has his ways and does everything for a reason, it is really hard to sit and understand why Anna and myself were not fortunate enough to be a part of such a phenominal journey. We helped build that team from the bottom up and I have no qualms about other new girls enjoying that, I just do not understand why I haven't been there to shine with them and support them. I learned so much more than rugby and I still look for what I had when I was a part of that team. So again, I know this is a selfish thought because almost all my dreams for that team has come true I just wish I could be there for it. I think its time to pick myself up and put a smile on and be proud. And leave it to God. Hard to do. But, I have to worry about what I am a part of and not what I'm missing out on. In due time, I will be blessed with exactly what I need in everyway. Thanks my girls for changing my life. I love you all more than you know =)

Breathe Easy

Have you ever noticed that no matter what happens in your life or how much you age there are certain things that never change? Well for me one of them is staying crazy busy. I feel like I need to always be learning, seeing and doing. My mind and body always have to be in motion. It is normally a great thing, but sometimes it has its downfalls. Today is my first day off since Easter and I'm not complaining because I haven't missed out on anything really but these last couple of weeks have proven to be stressful. Moving being at the top of the list. To spare the world with the sappy and lengthy story, we'll just sum it up as complete bullshit. So, FINALLY Friday night the people moving out got all of their stuff out. And just like that, about 3/4 of my stress melted away. Now today I have up since 6am motivated to get my place together! And it won't really be completely done for a few weeks but man it feels great. Aside from that which has been heavy on my mind, everything around me is the same, fun and kindda keeping me on edge. I worry that I'm not doing all I can to show those around me what they mean to me, my family and my friends. Yet, I worry that I am overwhelming to them also. Its a hard place to strike a balance. I was once told you treat people how you want to be treated and I don't mean the concept of it, I mean people LITERALLY give love in the manner how they want love to be given to them. So I love and talk and talk and talk way too much. Thats how I show my love. And give lots of hugs =)Its a very intimidating thing for me, as silly as it sounds. I love everyone, no matter what a pain in the ass they are. But for the people that I really am close with or want to further my relationship with, its hard to show that affection because I so badly want to, yet I don't want to push them away. Because not everyone is like me. When you find someone you care about you want it to be right. So I'm holding my breath and crossing my fingers yet trying to keep my balance for the sake of my sanity. Its so much fun, its almost like you feel unstoppable but given past experiences its so easy to be let down by people, intentionally or unintentionally. I am human, I want to say that past wounds have healed but if I know they can be easily open again, have they really? A question for me to take into consideration. Until I figure it out though, I have so many great things to look forward to! My sweet baby bubs will be one and I get to go and celebrate with him and my amazing and retarded family. And I'm bringing my friend Steph, maybe one or two more. I love my family so much and friends and I love seeing them interact because for me its having the best of both worlds. Very selfish, I KNOW! =( But it is fantastic to me. I have one more regular rugby match to look forward to and the 7s, which I am incredibly nervous about. I want to be a great athlete and that involves a lot of patience and dedication I worry I may not posses. These players are so experienced and I am still merely a rookie. I'm eager to further my game big time. I also get to go to Boston very soon! Its bittersweet, I have a guy from my unit who will be there the same timeframe which is really obnoxious but I need to learn patience anyways. On top of that I will really miss the people I see around here. Tons =( I am excited to experience things but for me most of the fun is who you experience them with. All this just says its time to take a step back, stop thinking so much and breathe easy. As Gabe Dixon says, "all will be well".

Everything I Need

Lately has been insanely busy. But fantastic. Today is Good Friday and no armory so its a great time to reflect, yet again.
Lets see. At this particular moment, I have cuts and scrapes and HUGE bruises all over me from the kind of rugby practice I hate the most. My body is incredibly sore but I still have so much energy and life to spare today! My apartment is an awesome disaster, all my friends are off working or back at home, my hair is a disaster and my toenails need to be painted. Despite all these things which can add up and bum you out some, even if they are worthless concerns, it is a BEAUTIFUL day outside. A fantastic spring day that I don't have to work or play rugby or travel or be go go going and run around. I am free to be. For me it seems so easy to sit and know how blessed I am. In the last few weeks I have played rugby in Savannah, suprised my grandparents in Georgia, supported on of my best friends at her BCT graduation, spent some of the best time with my mother and baby sister, went hiking at Cloudland Canyon in the pouring rain, went on an amazing walk on top of Lookout Mountain, learned so much, have had some of the best and easiest conversation with a great guy who still makes me jittery, shared Cheerwine and the Soffee outlet with some people I adore, worked at the unit with the Army's best (mostly haha) and learned BOCCE BALL wtih 2 of my favorite people. And so so SO MUCH more that I can't even remember. This lame journey of searching for happiness doesn't seem so lame anymore. Love life is really confusing but exciting and scary all at the same time right now. Work is great. Getting moving and settled between Cleveland and Chattanooga. Rugby is rough because theres not any games I can catch it seems yet its so woth it to be going to practice. But its all so so SO good. In a year I will be in Iraq so I am learning to love what I am doing and not worry so much. It seems like everything I need:living, learning and loving. =)

La Paciencia es una Virtud

I lack patience. Big time. I'm always running doing and seeing and yet I never take the time to slow down and let things simmer so maybe they can be right. Its either hot or cold. I don't like waiting. Because to me, everything should be black or white. But it can't always be. I have so much on plate and yet I want so much more. Maybe if I really focus on the present instead of trying to move on the the next stage in life I will feel satisfied.
Just some random thoughts as usual. I think I'm finally starting to see that I'm on a quest to feel content but I forget that is never fully achieved because then you are quite possibly settling. So. Here I am on a beautiful Saturday and I'm making the decision to stop waiting for the right time, to really make TODAY and NOW what I want it to be. Suggestions are welcome :)

Psht.

Dude. I have a peeve. Why is it that some people think they know what went on in a relationship and feel the need to give their two cents? ESPECIALLY when its so over and done with? I have some new rugby guy that pointed out I had a relationship with an old guy (which, this new guy has no idea how close we were, as friends) and a crush on another. He said that in response to me telling him to pretty much fuck off if he wanted to hang around my teammates just because they were cute. UGH. I think this is one of those things I won't understand because for me to be attracted to someone I have to talk with them some, get a feel for who they are. I just wouldn't stick around something I care nothing about simply because I find someone physically attractive. It makes me so incredibly...idk. But I just don't understand. And then and THEN he said I shouldn't get so defensive. I know I'm overly defensive. But I feel like people don't know what lines not to cross. Then again, unless he really knew me well I would guess he has no clue how sensitive a subject Napoleon and Brad are for me. Ugh. But still, his really close friend D knows and I KNOW if this guy knows about Napoleon and Brad he knows the ending of it and that its a place you don't go with me. Idk. I'm being mean. I just hate that reminder of them. Brad is a great friend but I don't need to be reminded that we had an awkward stage. And Napoleon. I would just simply like to erase him from my memory. In essence, I don't need some freshman to remind me of things that he knows nothing about. :( Sorry kids. Annoyed. If anyone reads this, hopefully no one catches this one! Haha. Oh well. It is what it is.

Firecracker

I have mucho to get off my chest. No idea where to begin. Oh! And its not negative, just pet peeves and some other random thoughts.
I am staying with my friend this week and it stinks, not having a way to get around. Coming home to a place that isn't yours. I can't wait to get back to my place. Not that I don't enjoy their company and what they're doing for me, its just can't completely relax because its not home. I never did do well with sleepovers.
So I've been thinking about moving to Chattanooga. Which I would love to do but I need more of a reason to. I'm praying Sergeant Silver can work her magic and get me ADSW. I really love working with her and at the unit. It feels productive I guess is the best word. And I have talking with my friend about being roommates if and when I move here. But this is my thing. She is amazing, great company but we are different and I don't think living together would be fun. I like stablility as far as what I'm doing during the day, mostly planned stuff and she is just more carefree I think when it came to house chores and guests it would become annoying. I've had roommates before and I love my me time. Coming home and its mine and I can do what I want and relax. So. I'm just not sure. We will see.
Guys. Always a popular topic. Its funny, as much as I am anti-relationship right now how much I notice other's romantic lives. Not as in I want that, as in I see them and think, "why do you want that?" I have a lot of growing up to do, I need to stop thinking that my thoughts are common sense. Because, its just not. God gives everyone different experiences at different times to teach us things. And, as much as I see someone is unhappy, maybe it just doesn't phase them. Maybe, its fine to them. I just don't want added stress. A man is supposed to bring out the best in me and vice versa. I see that most guys and people in general take my happiness for naiveness. And yea, I'm naive, just not nearly as much as people like to assume. I have substance, a lot, okay guys? And the ones who do love my giddiness are either amazing friends that have that mindset that they can set the world on fire and are happy people or they are creepy old men that think the age difference is hot and want to get in my pants. Disgusting. These are the ones that like to invade my bubble and stand way too close to me or constantly touch me, pat my leg touch my arm or something. EW. GROSS. GO AWAY.
Lets see what else?
Oh my goodness. I am SO READY FOR SUMMER. NICE WEATHER. This crappy weather really takes away from the spring in my step that I like to have. It puts a kink in my muscles, throws a fork in my mood. I'm just dying with this awful weather. Ugh.
I'm ready to kill it and be running again and sweating and playing rugby...OUTDOORS. I HATE BEING INSIDE. Aw man and I want some new clothes. Goodness. This is making me depressed just thinking about it. I'm for real going to move to Miami when I get back from deployment. I'm ready to shine. Even if it sounds silly, the weather brings out the best in me. And I'm ready to always be my best. Idk how to compromise for such a long time. Idk. Maybe I can if I get a workout room or maybe join a gym. But what about outdoors? :((((
Okay. I'm done whining. Last thing...I LOVE RUGBYYYYY!!!!!!!