Life as is

I am already struggling with words to form and put on this thing, SAD! Oh well, its overdue. The biggest and best thing I have to put right now is that I WENT TO FENWAYYYYY! And they lost and my least favorite Red Sox player probably of all time was pitching and its totally his fault that we lost. GRR! BUT! Fenway was fantastic. I had tears in my eyes when I walked in. I KNOW its so so so SOOOOO incredibly stupid! But I just can't help it! It was the coolest thing ever. So close to these players, some who I have watched for years and years! It was very surreal. Everything about it was great. And one of my best friends from college was with me, Scottie. He has been going to Fenway since he was a kid and it was the best seats hes had he said! So it ment a lot to me that it was a good present for my dear buddy Scottford! I can't even put it into words right now, maybe I can later. It seems like I'm in the homestretch for so many things that what I really like has taken a backseat. Not that I am not having a blast, I SO am! But its been kindda sucky, experiencing all this with people that I've just met. They are all for the most part fantastic and tons of fun but stinks the people I would love to share this with just can't be here with me. It also got me thinking about how much I love people and love meeting them but how hard it is for me be open with them. I hate meeting new people in the sense that I don't like the initial, shallow questions. I can't explain who I am and what I'm about, you have to see it. Mostly because is sounds like a load of bullshit. I feel awful when it comes to explaining me in words. Its incredibly frustrating. And I like seeing who people are through their actions. Anywho. I am so so SO sleepy but I really wanted to get on her and I guess attempt to describe Fenway while it was fresh in my mind. I have so much more to say, as usual but somethings just can't be explained. In due time =)

Claseeeeee

I'm in class right now. I am aware that I should be paying attention, blah blah. Whatever, I haven't thus far and today will not change that. This stuff is mindless. SO onward!Fort Devens has been really different. My roommate is fantastic, sad she won't be sticking around for phase 2. My battle buddies in my class are so much fun, they are really hard on me but in the best spirit possible so I definitely feel blessed to be learning from a really good (mostly) group of NCOs. There are the ate-up ones though. The ones that you go, "how in the WORLD do they function in the regular world, let alone the Army?" The instructors are great, really care that we get this material. But now the cadre, for real a bunch of Drill Sergeants. We've been smoked, we have inspection every morning, class until at least 5pm every day and have to march, call cadence, structured PT. Before you jump your gun, I KNOW I joined the Army, I KNOW this is how the Army is. But let me just say that when you are on a reserve post smaller than the neighborhood I grew up in and on the Reserve/Guard side they're so slack. Aside from that, this isn't a leadership school, its a reclass school. I was really annoyed at first because a sergeant I work with recently returned from the same school (different location) and his slow ass didn't have to do anything. Geesh. Oh well. The big thing is another sergeant I work with lowered my expectations, kept telling me, "oh you'll have tons of freetime, they're so nice and its laid back." Uhhhh. Now, I'm ok with it. Mostly because they gave us Friday night and most of Saturday off. Its pretty crazy here most of the time. As in, something is ALWAYS ate up, delaying the class. So it moves sooooo slowwwww and I have too much energy to sit here and burn my eyes out of their sockets by listening to someone read from a book. Its hard to understand because to me, it SEEMS really self-explanitory, but I guess its not for everyone. Patience, I am learning patience. Lol. I am stuck at squad leader. Which is fine, but the fantastic E7 infantryman Sergeat Dionne kills me. Haha, he doesn't cut me any slack and I don't mind being in charge, its just I don't want to feel like as an E3 I'm offending anyone and their rank. My squad is fantastic about it but I tell you what, some other squads have some fiesty females quick to point out my rank, regardless of what it is I am told to do. Geesh. People are so sensitive. MAYBE I was just directed to tell you something? Don't believe me, take it up to the next step. People are so sensitive. Lol. Now for the good stuff, no more whining. I'M GOING TO FENWAY THURSDAY!!!! With one of my best friends, Scottie. He taught me rugby and so much more, we were close friends in college and we had a group that we all did things together all the time. Well, he graduated college and moved back home to CT. He's about 2 hours away and his bday is coming up so I'm very excited to be getting him a ticket to a game with me. Only he won't let me pay for it! Oh well, I'll win. But, aside from my family and one other person, there is no one I would rather catch a game with. Thats my buddy. So yea, I'm excited. I miss my friends at home, I really wish I could share this with them but its been easier knowing there is a time for everything and when I return there is plenty of time and fun to be had. But, I'm still going to miss certain people because they won't be around as much anymore. Hopefully, this means that time will just be even better since it won't be as often. Welp, nothing much else to say except that I am way sleepy everyday! 5am wakeup is gayyyy! A goodnight always helps though =)

Day at Devens

I feel better now. Much better because my afternoon has ended on a good note, as in sports, but I still feel the need to recount the rest of my day. Before I begin, let me explain somethings. I am fairly flexible. When I sign up for something, its because I've generally researched it and I'm prepared to handle it. This, I originally expected the worst. Basic for a month, whatever. Well, some sergeants informed me over and over again that these MOS schools are chill, lots of classwork, but plenty of freedom for sure. They even broke it down to specifics. Ledtard. He came back from CA without breaking a sweat. Which means I am MORE than capable of this. Well, I get here and it is way different. Fine. Okay, I know we can't all know what's going to happen. But why in the HELL would you tell someone something you didn't know anything about? Don't tell me there is no this and that if you don't know. Well, its been annoying, realizing that getting out of class everyday at 5pm and being with them for PT at 0530 is not the 12-hour day I had in mind. And marching and calling cadence EVERYWHERE? To the chow hall and back? REALLY? Okay. I can still deal. But today. SUNDAY. 7am...an INSPECTION. REALLY. A suprise inspection. Blew my mind. Anywho. It was a long, very dry and annoying day. I don't want to be thinking about other things from back home either but needless to say, in the midst of boring lessons, it was there. So much confusion. But. Patience. Which is what I'm learning. Which is why I am stuck here with FREAKING WELLS. UGH. WHO I COULD KILL ALREADY. Oh well, there are completely insane, passionate fans such as myself that love the Celtics and the Sox and that pretty much makes it all worth it. I will go to Fenway and not even care. And I ran after class because I was so mad and fedup with today. It hurtttt. My nose and all that was in mucho pain. Change of atmosphere is a bitch to my nose. Its so sensitive. Ugh. Nosebleeds will prevail, I'm sure. So tonight, I will go and shower listen to my country music and read and fall asleep. Maybe not in my bed or curled up next to anyone that would make it just a little better, but at least come PT at 0530am I'll be ready. Sleepyyyyy. Night world =)

BOSTON!!!

So I'm in Boston...ish. Fort Devens, about 30 minutes away. But its FANTASTIC! And I love Boston accents!!!! Its soooo adorable!!! I don't have very much free time, everyday we have class but I've had evenings to myself and I've explored some of the area and its got a lot of character, REALLY ADORABLE! My "accent" gets made fun of but its definitely not that bad so I get off easy. My classmates are fun, they are all going to jump in and come to Fenway with me! And I hear we get an excellent discount, as in $7 or FREE. I have to call Fenway tomorrow and find out for sure but its FANTASTIC! Ah! I really miss my friends but staying here and busy is great and has been a good time to get my mind off of all thats going on down there. I think it will be really good when I return. I absolutely cannot wait. And, I am getting some awesome presents, its just hard to choose because all of the Red Sox stuff is just perfect. Anyways, hopefully I will have more time to really elaborate on all that is going on sooner rather than later. I enjoy getting on this thing, suprisingly. Its sort of theraputic. Me gusta mucho =)

Turning Point

Let's see, I'm sick and can't sleep. Perfect time to reflect. Haha =)
I keep referring back to these last few weeks I feel like and I am doing it yet again. It has been a rollar coaster and overall, fun. Because even through the not so awesome times I realize that I have been getting to the core of what life is about and just living it. Even though I hate negative emotions and blah blah, I realize that the good isn't so good without experiencing the bad. I still remember back in August, which was not but a few short months ago, coming out of all this initial Army training and making a promise. A promise that I shared with my friends and we started a campaign. The Best Year Ever. Brad even so cleverly nicknamed it B.Y.E. haha =) Its not even over yet and I can say that it has been one of the best years of my life. I have experienced everything that I love in life and more. Traveling, spending time with family and friends, learning all kinds of amazing things and still finding a routine in it all. To me, the craziest part is that the people who I made this promise to (Brad, Ben, Derek, Nathan, Brian, Deanna, Delaney and Lins) were only a small part of this year thusfar. We had so so SO many good times but once I got to my unit, I became really attatched to the people there because they obviously understand Army life in a way that you really can't unless you're a part of it. Looking back, it really sucks that I haven't spent nearly as much time with Ben and the others because their friendship ment the world to me, as it still does. I have yet to accept the fact that people grow apart and go their own ways sometimes in life. I always have struggled with this because I feel like there can be so many different layers to who I am and that I can mantain friendships, no matter where my path in life may take me. Both could be wrong statements but I think the biggest thing is that it takes 2 people to maintain a relationship of any kind and if both of us get caught up in the here and now, we put that friendship on a back burner until it gets to the point of fizzling out. So sad to me because Ben to this day had such a huge impact on my life. I miss him so much and our random texts to one another aren't the same as our 3am car rides getting lost in the middle of no where. Well that is some of the downside of life at the moment but there is lots of good as well. I just wanted to say that while I was thinking of them. I miss you guys, and I love you soooooo much.

Do All The Wrong Things Right

Well, my friend from my unit the other night, I spoke with his wife a lot today and it has made me feel really good. Because we cleared a lot of things up. And seeing them and their relationship really, REALLY makes me see a lot of me and how I am, romantically speaking. This guy foolishness has been really killing me. Mostly because I can not freaking figure out where I am screwing these relationships up with these few, VERY FEW men I have been interested in. It seems to be so so SO incredibly good and then it just changes, a complete 180. I have no idea where I stand where this most recent one except that I have obviously done something to push him away. I would have loved to have gotten the "I changed my mind" memo. Because there is nothing worse than holding onto false hope. Anywho. It is what it is. This couple though, they are MADE for one another, they bring out the best in one another and love one another so much that when one hurts, so does the other. I can't wait to have that, being on the same page but being two completely different individuals. Its such a happy thought for me but such a FRUSTRATING one! Because I feel like I waste my time. Making mistakes on some guy who is worthless! You can't think the world of someone and not want to be with them. I don't think so anyways. So why the liessss?! Boo! And I love love LOVE the song, "Hell on the Heart". I ran to it for a good 15 minutes today. Lol, thats a lot of that song!

Here We Go Again

I think my computer will blow up before I am done with this month. Well this week it seems. Tonight. My roommate. She wanted to go out and celebrate being 21. So we had some ideas in mind. We get ready, go out, determined to make it a fantastic time. She FINALLY makes up her mind what she wants to do and we arrive at our destination. Only to recieve a phone call from her sister. Who, I will not get into details about, but I do not think she does my roommate right. Her sister calls right as we're parking to say that her boyfriend has overdosed on some fucking drug and is sitting in the Best Buy parking lot about 35 minutes away from where we are in HER car and can't drive home. SO she needs us to go get him and bring him and her car home. I flat out tell Steph, "this is the time you tell her you will get her car but leave his ass at Best Buy and make HIM find a way home". But, as usual, Steph caves. I'm not mad I'm not going out, its whatever. I'm sleepy anyways. BUT STEPHANIE ONCE AGAIN IS HER SISTER'S BITCH. More importantly, it made me think about Barrett and Beth's relationship. How he is such a scum bag, cheating, trying to cheat, unmotivated, lazy, disgusting, I could go on and on. But he has that big thing that I refuse to ever forego again...TRUST. It made me think back to Napoleon and how awful he was throughout our almost 3 years. It made me so much better though and I will never, and so far haven't, fallen victim to this trap of not being important enough for you to be honest with me. And once again, seeing this scares me away from men again. Yes, I know all men aren't this way, blah blah. But when will come the time when I find someone that will keep up with me AND be worthy of my trust. Especially because I don't find it hard to earn. I trust unless I have reason not to. If you have nothing to hide, its pretty easy to see. My mom always told me when I was little that I had "an ippecable judgement in a person's character". Not that I knew what the hell it ment at that age, but still. I totally am blinded by people at times, well, SUPRISED. You didn't think this person was such a perv, you didn't think this one was such a bum, etc. But for the most part, I get to know someone and I see how they will fit into my life and how far to take that friendship. I get burned romantically once I am in waist deep but you know, its a learning process and the deeper I get, the closer I am to finding the right one. Until then, IT SUCKS. And you will never, NEVER catch me at the wrath of that bullshit. I have been blinded by being in love and it slowed my reaction, but it never prevented me from walking away when I saw our problems were too much to fix. And now look at that man, 26 still struggling with his place in life, going from job to job, using his charm to have the world provide for him. All while some guy pays for his school because he can strike a tune on the piano. He has 2 different girls he got pregnant, neither of which he really cared much for. If I had stuck around just a little longer it could have easily been me. And I'm so thankful its not. I don't want that or him for that matter. So. Love. Its sucks. But one day, it shall be worth it. Until then, I'm going to take care of me and those I love.