Wasn't It Beautiful When You Believed In Everything

Today I haven't felt very good, physically. Its been weird. Alternating between headaches and stomachaches. I think its just my body being retarded and reacting to stress. That and I'm sick of this DFAC food. Its not very fresh and I just don't feel as good. Funny how you notice stuff like that. Another reason why its uber important that I find other ways to keep myself up, helps combat stress. Today was okay, just another day I suppose. I did get a lot of exercising done though. And I can soooo tell I'm going to crash. My pushups and situps have been pitiful but I'm still working on them. We had softball for about 40 minutes. I want to quit so bad! If it weren't for the fact that I'd be a "quitter" and if I didn't love softball so stinkin much, I would have walked a while ago I think. It just gives me something to do. Back to the point. Okay, so we haven't practiced in 2 weeks. Currently, we're 2-2, tied for 2nd to last place out of 5 or 6 teams. Anyways, we quit practicing once it gets dark because no one can "see" the ball. Which, it is hard to see it. But anyways, Biggs is afraid of someone getting hit in the face or something. People get hit in the damn face even when they CAN see it, one. Two, we play at night and the lights aren't really much better where we play. Three, WE HAVE LITTLE TEAM COHESION!!! Only practice will fix that. Another thing, we have some people on R&R so he's brought new players onto the team. Which, is frustrating because numerous players, as well as myself, have been so so SO devoted to coming out and all we do is share playing time with some of these people who couldn't give a rats ass about playing except when they find it convenient. Ugh! It sounds so childish but I think those of us who always come out should get priority! I have NEVER played on such a lazy team! My old coaches would easily bench someone who thought they were too good to show most of the time. UGH. Infuriating! Anyways, like 40 mins of softball and of course I was mad so I ran a mile at an easy pace then went and played racquetball for an hour. Which, I actually didn't do bad at! I can't wait to show Frame. Which brings me to another point. Frame is always telling me to not let other people upset me so much, among other people that also tell me this, but Frame REALLY puts it into perspective. I just get so so so irritated with everyone around me. Here's my theory, I think its a mix of things. 1) I'm away from my comfort zone where I can just go home and chill out or do whatever, back to the whole no "me" time, so I get fed up faster and really dwell on stupid crap that normally I just forget about. 2) I see these people who make me mad and I don't get a "break" from them, which normally makes me forget whatever it was. 3) People are different on deployment, it brings out the worst in a lot of people, myself included. I'm actually very disappointed in myself for not being as resilient and loving and forgiving as I normally am. Its just so hard to be when people are just TERRIBLE. 4) I'm young and dumb and this is part of being young and dumb. 5) People. Love. Drama. Anyways. The point is, I have to learn to be okay with everyone around me not being fuel to be a better person. I hate my section, I hate being a normal soldier right now. I won't even go to the boards! I would normally JUMP at a chance for self-improvement. But here? I choose to be a slick sleeve instead of wearing a patch that I at one point looked forward to wearing. I dread the idea of doing anything that gets me recognized. Part of that though isn't just being HERE, its that I feel like myself and other soldiers have been jipped. I don't think I should have to go to a board to be "soldier of the month". I think that, just like any award, you get selected because of the things you do on a regular basis. Soldiers like Miller who always help others, stay late when needed, ALWAYS go above and beyond, soldiers who do all of that should be recognized because its his CHARACTER, not his show he puts on to get a decoration. But someone like our last soldier of the month winner? Someone who doesn't pass height/weight or PT and has to be supervised to accomplish any work? Thats not an asset to the Army, thats a burden. Anyways. But in this brigade we are taught to do whatever the fuck we want and its okay. So much crap. I'm not sure if its this unit, a "kinder, gentler Army" overall or just the way I'm perceiving things. I just can't imagine some of the shit that has gone on here flying elsewhere. A guy pulled a knife on his battles several times and only received 1 week of CQ as punishment. The Fort Bliss troublemakers. There was a former cadet, now LT, who has inappropriate relations with an officer, who at the time, was a company commander. They are both here and deployed together. She got no punishment and he lost command of his unit, but will regain it if he "behaves" while he is here. We have 2 other soldiers who cheated on their spouses and with someone in their chain of command, they were not punished. It just makes no sense for me, I and many others always behave because we have higher standards. But when people do get in trouble, they are asked to do what we do all along anyways without being told to? Thats not punishment, thats making them achieve the standard like the rest of us. Anyways, disheartening. It was so nice when all I could see was the good in people. When I believed in everything and everyone. Enough of that, I know I KNOW Frame would kill me and he's right, its just not worth my worry. I need other things to do. But for now, I will sleeeeeep. So tired! Night to all.

Training Day

Started the pushup/crunch thing today, even though it was yesterday that it started, technically. I didn't do anything. So far I've done 150 pushups and 40 crunches. I will probably bust out more crunches before bed. If I do 100 of each, I will make my goal but I want to do way more. I also randomly decided to pick up a 5k plan, which I didn't plan on. Tonight it said, "run/walk 30 mins" I thought that was really gay but Baird suggested sprinting a light pole then walking two. Holy crap it kicked my butt. But it was nice because I haven't ran that hard in a while. I think it will really help. I was a little worried about my ankles, since I've already re-sprained my right one since I've been here, but they are a little tired too so I'm sure its good strengthening for them. Between that and the physical therapy stuff, I think I'll be running like I did a few years ago if I keep up with it. It was awesome to work out with Baird since he doesn't mind to do his own thing. Normally Frame and I do our own things but go to the track together and leave together, thats our thing, but Shelby and Baird tend to run together, which I hate. So, it was good that the other half of the breakfast club can stick together. I am glad I did all of that after the day I had. The actual day wasn't bad, I just stayed up soooo late and then got 5, yes 5, care packages today full of junk that I ate all day. i.e. FRUIT GUSHERS and A BROWNIE and STARBURSTS and CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZELS. It was awful. I don't ever have a real sweet tooth, but I just got so many packages I freaked out. I ate like 3 packs of gushers, a brownie, a mini bag of pretzels and a handful or so of starburts. Made me sooo sick. Tomorrow the plan says walk 30 mins so I may try and con Baird into walking around the base with me and doing crunches and pushups in between. Omg I had Pop Rocks and Wasabi peas today too. Good God. No wonder I wasn't hungry at dinner. Also, I can't say anything for sure, but I may have the opportunity to have another job and get myself out of the office. I'm crossing my fingers that it works, but if it doesn't, God has plans. I hate those though. =) ALSO! Bin Laden was laid to rest today, courtesy of the U.S. Military. HOOAH! I'm just a little mad that 1) People are turning it into a big conspiracy already and 2) some are crediting Obama with it already. We are really going to see a surge in attacks now, so we have to be careful. All of my battles are in my prayers. I hope we can counteract whatever they through at us. Well, I am off to shower now and do some more crunches. Night!

Perfectly Good At It

Some of us at the cookout and the guys jumping

in, of course

I got some new music today! Like, 4 songs but it still makes me excited because they're geared towards running so they're nice and upbeat. Today we had a little party for the twins so that was nice. I only ate a hot dog and chips and a brownie but I am still soooo full! Its hard to get a good schedule down for sundays because it feels like there's a lot to do to catch up on and prepare for next week. But, it happens. We were supposed to have softball and didn't today, well showed up and no one was there. So dumb. Today I got a lot done and I can tell you right now its because Frame is gone! Haha, got to see Baird for a little bit too. Did all of my laundry, slept in, set out my stuff for tomorrow, cleaned and organized. I am in my bunk now and just relaxing hoping to get rid of this cold. Today began the situps and pushups challenge, I haven't done any and I'm not going to today, just tired. I think from just being sick. So, hopefully tomorrow I'll be way better, its not like me to want to just chill out in the room. I am going to relax a little more then crash to get started for the work week. Goodnight all!

Take Away

I feel awful I haven't been on this thing nearly as much as I want to, so I guess I DO have some explaining to do. There's mainly 2 reasons why I'm never on here, well 3. 1) Internet SUCKS. It is just so so slowwww and I hate changing pages to reload or losing connection and losing everything I write. 2) I hate being in my living area. I despise my roommates that I did not pick, we have nothing in common and two are extremely messy, while one is really clean, thankfully. 3) I am always with Frame and the "Breakfast Club". More on that later. Anyways, my apologies and I will try and do better. Tornados have hit my little area back home. Everyone is without power and its bad. But, as far as I know, everyone I know and all of their things are well and in tact, thats a lot to be thankful for. My cousins haven't had the chance to check on my house yet but I saw a picture of the side of it on the news and it seems okay, just the street looked extremely flooded. I guess I will hear soon enough. I am STILL up in the air about R&R. I really want to go do the medical missions thing, but my dates don't line up and I would have to buy some stuff here to take there and then have no where to take it back to except for here. So, I just don't know. I think what I'll end up doing is renting a beach house for 2 weeks and just enjoying with my best friend! That would be sooo fun. Plus I could see my family and take stuff back to my house and all that jazz. We will see. Frame and I have started a "Breakfast Club", so to speak. A little group of us just always have breakfast together and it manifested into them coming along for all the other stuff that we do. Its been really fun. I made a list of things I wanted to do/learn here and Frame is so awesome at helping me check it off. Currently, I'm on Racquetball and Poker. Which, I already learned Poker once but I forgot about it, haha. So Frame signed me up for a poker tournament and gave me a class over dinner like an hour before it! Tard! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be though. Racquetball I am not that great at, but I'm learning. I got some indoor soccer shoes so I'm not sliding around the court so stinkin much! Frame left early this morning on R&R so my goal is to kick his butt when he gets back. Shelby is out on mission so its just myelf and Baird. Thank God he's married because sometimes he's a bigger sissy than me! I doubt I can convince him to run with me everynight or practice softball so we're going to have to adjust fire and make it through these 2 weeks without our teammates. I'll probably go play racquetball with Trey and Thomas and some other guys though. I'm off at lunch so it depends on how much I get done and how I feel. I'm catching the crud for the first time since I've been here and have gotten like no sleep because we've been staying up at all hours playing games and having roadmarches and work in the am. So, I'm dragging these last few days. Thankfully, with Frame and Shelby gone I can get a lot done. Shelby, Baird and I all have a Level I Combatives Cert class coming up and I am soooo excited! A little nervous, but mostly excited. We won our softball game this past week, 20-10! Shelby, Baird and I are also doing a "crunch/push up club". We have 30 days to do between 3,000 and 9,000 situps and pushups. That is 3,000 situps and 3,000 pushups, not the combined total. We will have to be doing it between combatives class too, which is until midnight and we have to work the next day. Which reminds me, I need to get a mouthguard. I guess I'm going to get off of here now and make a list of some sort! Hope all is well with everyone, sorry I don't have anything more interesting to report, people are stupid, I miss home, but I'm still overly excited about what I get to "take away" from this. Its just not things that I thought it would be...later!

Counting to 100

I feel like this is becoming more of a venting/sounding board than a blog. I am soooo trying to avoid that. I have just been so incredibly frustrated with being here. Its not even being here, its just not having "me" time. And so many people feel the need to flex their muscles and others just keep being shitbags. Those people who got "demoted" all go their rank back. Which, means they never really got demoted. The deal was that if they behaved, they got to have it back after a probationary period. Which, you can do for E4 and below but not for E5 and above. We have an officer whose career is ruined because he has a letter of reprimand for staying at a hotel with his wife and kids at mob site. While, we have another group of 5 or so soldiers who took a government vehicle, got drunk, got tattoos in one of the most dangerous cities in America and didn't loose a penny over it. I wish I WISH I have standards low enough to get in some kind of nonsense and I would DARE them to say something to me about it. Absolutely DARE them to. How is that setting any kind of example to the rest of the brigade? HOW?! How can you tell someone to behave for 2 months and they get to keep what they have? What kind of punishment is that? Because I, as well as MANY others, do the right thing. Granted, we all do silly things, but not anything that holds a candle to this. I'm not gaining anything or losing anything by doing what I'm supposed to. But these people fuck up and are told to do what the rest of us do all the damn time??? And that officer's career is finished because he was staying with his wife. Not that I condone that, but REALLY?! The second situation is the soldier of the month board. I hated it. I HATED it. I went because I was begged to go by my immediate supervisor and as much as I didn't want to do it, I thought I could take away something from this. So, we go to the board and honestly most of them were awful soldiers. As in, lazy, incompetent, stupid soldiers. All but maybe 2. One, we'll call him J, did amazing. I mean, the guy looked great, had no nerves, had done a board before, had notecards, GREAT PT and really good recommendations from his section leader. Never gets in trouble, just great. He does what he is supposed to without being told. And, he didn't miss any board questions. Well, I did okay, I got really good reviews but I had 3 days to prepare and I just wasn't where I wanted to be. Nonetheless, I was happy for J, I figured he'd have good competition if I were on my A game and I so wasn't. It happens though, I overcame that fear of doing that damn board. And man, it was bad. Anyways, we go to the announcement for it and this guy we'll call B won. HE HAS BEEN A SPC4 FOR 5 YEARS!!!! A HEIGHT/WEIGHT PT FAILURE!!! And he's lazy. Didn't do the best on the board either! I KNOW he didn't. I have evidence, but he won. So, even though I thought about and considered doing another one (because I figured I'd lost), there is no way IN HELL I am doing another one within this Brigade. What does it say if you reward, award, recognize and don't punish your soldiers as needed? J was so so so screwed. Why would I want to be recognized by this Brigade? WHY?! God I hate this Brigade. Now on the flip side of all of this. I spoke with my dear friend about all of this. And he pointed out that I was letting others control me and I was worried about everyone else. And I will SO give him that. Its not worth my worry, its out of my hands. But. BUT. It does send a message to me and I make no apologizes for having a fully-functioning moral compass. None whatsoever. I wish I could just let it roll off my back, it eventually will. But this brigade has lost a damn good soldier. I will continue to do what I'm supposed to, because its the right thing to do and anything less would compromise my values. But I refuse to strive for more because then it becomes 1) expected of you 2) the "standard" and 3) No one sees that its more than what 90% of the fucking world does. It is absolutely infuriating! I can not believe that I put my dreams on hold to be a joke of a deployment with this incredibly ass backwards unit. Shoo. I am sooooo sorry y'all. This is all just killing me. It has absolutely made me so so upset with what I decided to be a part of. I like to be whole-hearted in what I do and I can't do that with something I feel is so wrong. Every unit has problems, every single one does, but its the Army values that should stand, you do what's right and when its not, you fix it. And we don't. So sad. Gosh I wish I could be oblivious to all of this.

Anyways, lets move on to the happier things. Softball has been okay, not the best, but just getting out there and dying for 3 hours in the sun on Sunday really makes me happy. Haha. I'm going to start ditching this whole battle buddy idea too because no one will freaking go run with me and I need it bad, because I'm going to bed absolutely wound at night and I'm not sleeping well. I really like playing with guys, the other teams don't have many girls and needless to say, they are shocked to find out a girl can play softball. They're so stupid, I played fastpitch for over 10 years, my God of course I can play. I love the pressure of the games too, the other night there were 2 outs, we were down by 1 run with a guy on 2nd and I had to bat. I took 2 balls, a strike, I fouled it, then took a walk. It made me missssss softball. I felt no pressure until I fouled it and then I just payed attention. Earlier in the game I had a great hit, my hitting is on point thank goodness. I need to get comfortable with diving for the ball again but these fields are all dirt and rocks, not good stuff. I am soooooo excited for R&R. Looks like the Dominican Republic is my trip =) But, the dates for the missions trip doesn't line up with my leave dates completely so I'll have to cut it short =( I am just so incredibly excited to get to see all of this medical stuff and really care for people who need this stuff so bad. I can't think of anything more rewarding than being around grateful people. It is going to be a huge learning experience for me too. And I get to practice my spanishhhhhh!!!! And be around obsessive, silly Dominicans who love baseball probably. So excited for it =) I don't have much else to say. Just sick of the sand and no alone time. Ooooo I miss my cute little house and clothes and family too. I've been having some bad dreams =( But, I know that being back in Chattanooga would have me so sad. I couldn't imagine not being here with all of these fucktards. I just have to hold my head up and take away lots from the stupidity. Love you guys, thanks for listening =)

Crazier

Things have been pretty busy around here the past few weeks. Time has flown and it hasn't always been enjoyable, but I have other things to dwell on and this is not anything to complain about. So much going on! This week we had a lot going on at work, one guy took his case to CNN and other news channels, even though it never made it to our level, it was retarded. The combat patch thing, that, the pay issue, softball, WORK! This week I had guard duty, 3 articles due, practice, a softball game, PT test the next morning, then the soldier of the month board this morning. Which, I am SO OFF MY GAME! With EVERYTHING! I am so scatter-brained at work, tired, I have not caught but like 10 balls in softball in the last week. IN THE LAST WEEK! I have been hitting like freaking Barry Bonds but catching like a 2 year old. I went to the board today and bombed that. The board told me I did excellent but I hated it, I had 3 days to prepare! They handed us a book and said, "know this". I've never been to a board. I just freaked. I didn't care until this morning because I've been so busy thinking about everything else. Oh, then I had a urinalysis this afternoon. Thank God I'm off tomorrow. I'm having dinner with my college buddy who is leaving in 5 weeks! She was my tour guide for one of my classes back when I was in school, crazy how small the world is. Frame is out on mission so I guess I'd better occupy my time. I can't wait till he's back though, God knows I need him to help me get back on my game or I'll be permanently benched. Helen had her baby and I bought him little clothes today and her and Rob giftcards for massages, I wish I were there to see the little one! Baby Rob has Red Sox clothes coming to him =) That stupid board! UGH! Its driving me crazy! Because since I didn't win the stupid thing I KNOW my MSG will make me go back. Because she thinks I nailed it, I was just a little nervous. A LITTLE?! Oh it was so incredibly bad. Sigh sigh. Ah. I can't believe they made me do that. I do not want to do that ever again. Its so dumb! I'm so over doing stuff like that, I want to be recognized for the work I actually do, not for the effort I put into making a pretty appearance for one occasion. I do see the meaning behind it but man, I think I can hone a lot more leadership skills by looking to my leaders and being handed responsibility. I'm not active duty and I'm not getting my 5 this year unless I recieve a battlefield promotion which is highly unlikely. I am so thankful for falling on my face though, well, feeling like it. Because it makes me freaking human. Good things to report, I did awesome on the PT test. Haven't done anything but softball and I got 100% on my pushups, 84% on my situps and only 70% on my run, but my max is HIGHER now even though my minimum is lower. Which means I got like 104%, 87% and 73% in my old age group. Not that that matters, but still! Do you know why that is good? I have not done one sit up since last year, one pushup since last year and only have run about 20 times since I've been here, to include these 5ks. Definitely miss working out, running mostly. Once I get organized again tomorrow I get to make my workout schedule. I've been trying to go with people but I really hate that. I just want to run and do some cross training, flexibility is what I would like to work on and speed. I am really sleepy and going to bed now though, more to follow one of these days, I'm sure.

Combat Patch Ceremony

I know not a lot of people want to read negative posts. So, if that pertains to you, I suggest you skip this one. Because I am in a pretty foul mood. Today we had our patch ceremony. And, I was excited about it. Not a ton, because I'm pretty bummed about what we're doing, but I'm thankful for what we've been blessed with. Anyways, I really got upset over it. A SFC that I highly respected post a picture of our patch with an asterisk on it and tagged us newbies. Okay, I get it, its a joke, but have you ever had someone joke about something and it just get old? This was just the last straw with it. We've had so much crap about it and I'm so bummed. I can't help the mission we were placed on. I gave up my college to dig deep down for a year and really see what I was made of. That's not what I'm getting. Its frustrating, for me, not being a soldier in my own eyes. The office work, okay, at the armory fine. But here? This is what I train for. To be here with my battle buddies, to be a soldier. I can't help that my NCOIC won't let me out to go on a mission and get my feet wet. I can't help that we're stuck here doing mostly desk work. It just is really discouraging. So after the ceremony, I took my patch off and went back to work. Well then I ran into 1SG who immediately pinned me, again. And told me I'd better be wearing it. So, about 2 minutes later when I was out of his sight, I took it off again. I kind of feel like a brat, but its just not a big deal. I don't want to wear it and that's my choice. But I can't believe after all this time, wanting to deploy so badly, I have totally done a 180 from what I wanted. It is so so so disheartening. Ugh. I'm just a grouch tonight I guess. I'm sorry guys, I hope this will all pick up and you all can hear some happy thoughts soon and frequently.