La Paciencia es una Virtud

I lack patience. Big time. I'm always running doing and seeing and yet I never take the time to slow down and let things simmer so maybe they can be right. Its either hot or cold. I don't like waiting. Because to me, everything should be black or white. But it can't always be. I have so much on plate and yet I want so much more. Maybe if I really focus on the present instead of trying to move on the the next stage in life I will feel satisfied.
Just some random thoughts as usual. I think I'm finally starting to see that I'm on a quest to feel content but I forget that is never fully achieved because then you are quite possibly settling. So. Here I am on a beautiful Saturday and I'm making the decision to stop waiting for the right time, to really make TODAY and NOW what I want it to be. Suggestions are welcome :)

Psht.

Dude. I have a peeve. Why is it that some people think they know what went on in a relationship and feel the need to give their two cents? ESPECIALLY when its so over and done with? I have some new rugby guy that pointed out I had a relationship with an old guy (which, this new guy has no idea how close we were, as friends) and a crush on another. He said that in response to me telling him to pretty much fuck off if he wanted to hang around my teammates just because they were cute. UGH. I think this is one of those things I won't understand because for me to be attracted to someone I have to talk with them some, get a feel for who they are. I just wouldn't stick around something I care nothing about simply because I find someone physically attractive. It makes me so incredibly...idk. But I just don't understand. And then and THEN he said I shouldn't get so defensive. I know I'm overly defensive. But I feel like people don't know what lines not to cross. Then again, unless he really knew me well I would guess he has no clue how sensitive a subject Napoleon and Brad are for me. Ugh. But still, his really close friend D knows and I KNOW if this guy knows about Napoleon and Brad he knows the ending of it and that its a place you don't go with me. Idk. I'm being mean. I just hate that reminder of them. Brad is a great friend but I don't need to be reminded that we had an awkward stage. And Napoleon. I would just simply like to erase him from my memory. In essence, I don't need some freshman to remind me of things that he knows nothing about. :( Sorry kids. Annoyed. If anyone reads this, hopefully no one catches this one! Haha. Oh well. It is what it is.

Firecracker

I have mucho to get off my chest. No idea where to begin. Oh! And its not negative, just pet peeves and some other random thoughts.
I am staying with my friend this week and it stinks, not having a way to get around. Coming home to a place that isn't yours. I can't wait to get back to my place. Not that I don't enjoy their company and what they're doing for me, its just can't completely relax because its not home. I never did do well with sleepovers.
So I've been thinking about moving to Chattanooga. Which I would love to do but I need more of a reason to. I'm praying Sergeant Silver can work her magic and get me ADSW. I really love working with her and at the unit. It feels productive I guess is the best word. And I have talking with my friend about being roommates if and when I move here. But this is my thing. She is amazing, great company but we are different and I don't think living together would be fun. I like stablility as far as what I'm doing during the day, mostly planned stuff and she is just more carefree I think when it came to house chores and guests it would become annoying. I've had roommates before and I love my me time. Coming home and its mine and I can do what I want and relax. So. I'm just not sure. We will see.
Guys. Always a popular topic. Its funny, as much as I am anti-relationship right now how much I notice other's romantic lives. Not as in I want that, as in I see them and think, "why do you want that?" I have a lot of growing up to do, I need to stop thinking that my thoughts are common sense. Because, its just not. God gives everyone different experiences at different times to teach us things. And, as much as I see someone is unhappy, maybe it just doesn't phase them. Maybe, its fine to them. I just don't want added stress. A man is supposed to bring out the best in me and vice versa. I see that most guys and people in general take my happiness for naiveness. And yea, I'm naive, just not nearly as much as people like to assume. I have substance, a lot, okay guys? And the ones who do love my giddiness are either amazing friends that have that mindset that they can set the world on fire and are happy people or they are creepy old men that think the age difference is hot and want to get in my pants. Disgusting. These are the ones that like to invade my bubble and stand way too close to me or constantly touch me, pat my leg touch my arm or something. EW. GROSS. GO AWAY.
Lets see what else?
Oh my goodness. I am SO READY FOR SUMMER. NICE WEATHER. This crappy weather really takes away from the spring in my step that I like to have. It puts a kink in my muscles, throws a fork in my mood. I'm just dying with this awful weather. Ugh.
I'm ready to kill it and be running again and sweating and playing rugby...OUTDOORS. I HATE BEING INSIDE. Aw man and I want some new clothes. Goodness. This is making me depressed just thinking about it. I'm for real going to move to Miami when I get back from deployment. I'm ready to shine. Even if it sounds silly, the weather brings out the best in me. And I'm ready to always be my best. Idk how to compromise for such a long time. Idk. Maybe I can if I get a workout room or maybe join a gym. But what about outdoors? :((((
Okay. I'm done whining. Last thing...I LOVE RUGBYYYYY!!!!!!!

Until You

Man, I hate being human sometimes dangit. Cause I hate emotions. Haha, well, sad or angry or impatient emotions. I had a really stressful day today, don't really feel like going into the details. But Wednesday, I was man because of a wrinkly shirt. Yes, a WRINKLY SHIRT! And then I went for a run today and it was cold and my knee and ankles hurt and I'm out of shape and I'm pale and get really pink. See where this is going? I am whining! Oh me. And I thought about someone who is no longer in my life and it bummed me out. There is only 2 people I have chosen to remove from my life but I can't help but look back on those 2 and think that it means I gave up on them, like I didn't have the strength to deal with them. Yet, I know that I can't have them in my life. For me, its really hard to accept that though. That you can't just be this perfect person capable of saving the world. Yet... I WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD. LITERALLY. I want to touch every person I encounter. I want to be memorable, not so that I am this legend, but so that people when they're down, they look at the times we had and know that it is NEVER the end. It's NEVER worth giving up on the world, because there is so much bad in the world but there is so much good that YOU can put in it. Being vengeful (spelling?) is never worth it nor is it never our place. Unless, its a harmless prank war :)
With that being said, I'm going to settle down for the evening and look at the bright side. So what if I'm a little left of center? :)

Sunday Night Reflections

2 random notes, my shoulder hurts insanely bad like right where it attatches to your collarbone. BAD. Weird. On another random note, this blog looks very not me, I should fix it. When I figure out how of course.
Do you ever notice that sometimes you love something but you don't do it? I wonder why that is. Clearly, I love rugby. I went to a Mid-South Association meeting today and ran into Kerry from the Chattanooga women's team. And she really wants me to come out and play with them again. And, I really want to come out and play with them again. What is holding me back? Why am I preventing myself from something that I love so much? Yes,I'm hurt, but I played last semester. Why not this one too? No, I don't know the team as well as I know my Lee girls but I'm not afraid of getting to know them. Yes, my knee I'm worried about but I've never had an injury keep me before. But, Anna isn't here. My partner in crime on the field. Am I foregoing a thrill, an adrenaline that I thrive off of because she's not here? I have no earthly clue. I love rugby. Or, maybe I love what rugby used to be. What is keeping me from hitting the pitch again? Why am I becoming so serious? So...not myself. So stressed. I hate it. Optimisim is my thing. Its what sets me apart from the crowd, my positivity. I think this last month or so has been a real whirlwind. Financial craziness, awful weather, everything is so weird and inconsistent. And the guy stresses. UGH. 2 guys trying to get with me for the wrong reasons and then one who can't even manage to be my friend. And all in all, I have felt like crap. My friend Matt put it very plainly tonight, "get rid of the drama from your life". Which, is people. Guys who want something more than friendship from me. I don't want a relationship. I don't want to even think about it. I want my family and friends. That's it. I want rugby. I want my sports. I want my army life. I WANT. Yes, I WANT. Me me me. Because you can't always play nice. You can't always be polite. People make the world a difficult place but people make the world an amazing place. I never realized how hard it is to find good people who are truely there for you. You're not really my friend if you are constantly downing me, really not wanting a friendship from me but a romantic relationship. YOU'RE NOT A FRIEND FIRST. And that's what I want. I have a friend who I still would date in a heartbeat. But, he doesn't want or need that right now, a romantic relationship. And I respect that. I will treat him no less. I still want that friend in my life. Why? BECAUSE HE'S MY FRIEND. So, tomorrow I will do what I do. Hit the rugby pitch again, do the Army thing. And be a great friend. Also, time to get back on track with God, keep that communication up, because ultimately, HE will fill me up. Nothing or no one else. So, thanks my Lord, for small miracles.

This Makes Me Really Happy :)

http://kimberlynwhitaker.blogspot.com/2010/01/never-be-so-full-of-longing-that-you.html

In the above link I stumbled across a young woman's blog, about my age. It was so good to see. Because after coming out of almost 3 years of back and forth, heartaches, tears and very shallow love I'm not looking for a guy. I have taken the stance that it need not be my focus. And by that I don't mean I'm against dating. I just mean that throughout my life I always looked for someone to chase, some guy that caught my eye and was someone I was actively pursuing. I never took that time to pause and say, "hey, how about me? Let's be true to who I am first". Not that I lost all of my identity but when you date people you lose some of it being young and dumb. You think you want to be with someone and that means sacrifices such as being there for them when maybe you just can't be, maybe you really DO have to be writing that paper you have already put of to be there for that person. Sacrifice simply means its not BK out there, so you can't have it your way, haha. Another thing I have encountered, I felt the need to be someone I'm not around that person sometimes. Not completely change who I am but if you know me, you know how naturally childish I am. Not awful like hehe, poke poke, but giggly and giddy. And I always felt the need to really be much more laid-back and serious. What I have is a gift, not something to be hidden from the world. THAT is what made me so successful when I worked at the VA, THAT'S why my patients melted my heart. Because they loved ME.
The last month or so has really been a challenge with the male species, haha. I've had 1 guy I simply was not interested in beyond friendship and we arugued, even when hanging out as friends. He made me feel like my views (pretty much exactly what was stated in the blogs) were ridiculous and absurd and unherd of. He made me feel like shit for having so many guy friends pointing out that I HAD to be romantically attracted to them in some way. When, its simply not true. Not that I don't find them attractive, its just that they aren't for me and if they are, time will tell, I'm not pursuing them by any means, we are FRIENDS. Two other guys literally just wanted to get in my pants. It was sad because one of them was someone who was a great friend and I thought he was better than that. Finally, one guy kindda caught my eye but many reasons that would prevent us from pursuing one another and then he kindda just dropped me. SO. Haha. All is fine though because it just confirms what God has been telling me and what I have been so stubbornly ignoring. That I'm not ment to be with someone right now. If I am, it will come naturally and in His will.
In the meantime, I will be me. Obsessed with sports but in love with being a girl. Yes I would love to play you in rugby, practice my combatives with you. But I will also walk around, giggling, smiling, making fun of you and standing on my tiptoes simply because its habit and it feels great to my calves. I will continue to wear dresses because to me they are perfect and still yell HOOAH because its the Army amen. I want to go Airborne like my Papa Smith but for my graduation I want to treat myself to the most awesome makeup brush set. I want to be ME. Jamie Christine Smith. The good, the bad and the ugly.
So, thank you to the author of that blog who inspired me to write this.

Jon Lester

Jon. My sweet sweet Jon Lester. Yes, I am talking about my car. I parked my car across the street from my apartment last night and went to get it tonight and it was gone. GONE. I'm not crazy, I'm not drunk and I'm not retarded. My precious car who has taken me so many places is gone. Idk what to do. Anyways. I just had to say that. Not really sure what else to say.