Take Away

I feel awful I haven't been on this thing nearly as much as I want to, so I guess I DO have some explaining to do. There's mainly 2 reasons why I'm never on here, well 3. 1) Internet SUCKS. It is just so so slowwww and I hate changing pages to reload or losing connection and losing everything I write. 2) I hate being in my living area. I despise my roommates that I did not pick, we have nothing in common and two are extremely messy, while one is really clean, thankfully. 3) I am always with Frame and the "Breakfast Club". More on that later. Anyways, my apologies and I will try and do better. Tornados have hit my little area back home. Everyone is without power and its bad. But, as far as I know, everyone I know and all of their things are well and in tact, thats a lot to be thankful for. My cousins haven't had the chance to check on my house yet but I saw a picture of the side of it on the news and it seems okay, just the street looked extremely flooded. I guess I will hear soon enough. I am STILL up in the air about R&R. I really want to go do the medical missions thing, but my dates don't line up and I would have to buy some stuff here to take there and then have no where to take it back to except for here. So, I just don't know. I think what I'll end up doing is renting a beach house for 2 weeks and just enjoying with my best friend! That would be sooo fun. Plus I could see my family and take stuff back to my house and all that jazz. We will see. Frame and I have started a "Breakfast Club", so to speak. A little group of us just always have breakfast together and it manifested into them coming along for all the other stuff that we do. Its been really fun. I made a list of things I wanted to do/learn here and Frame is so awesome at helping me check it off. Currently, I'm on Racquetball and Poker. Which, I already learned Poker once but I forgot about it, haha. So Frame signed me up for a poker tournament and gave me a class over dinner like an hour before it! Tard! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be though. Racquetball I am not that great at, but I'm learning. I got some indoor soccer shoes so I'm not sliding around the court so stinkin much! Frame left early this morning on R&R so my goal is to kick his butt when he gets back. Shelby is out on mission so its just myelf and Baird. Thank God he's married because sometimes he's a bigger sissy than me! I doubt I can convince him to run with me everynight or practice softball so we're going to have to adjust fire and make it through these 2 weeks without our teammates. I'll probably go play racquetball with Trey and Thomas and some other guys though. I'm off at lunch so it depends on how much I get done and how I feel. I'm catching the crud for the first time since I've been here and have gotten like no sleep because we've been staying up at all hours playing games and having roadmarches and work in the am. So, I'm dragging these last few days. Thankfully, with Frame and Shelby gone I can get a lot done. Shelby, Baird and I all have a Level I Combatives Cert class coming up and I am soooo excited! A little nervous, but mostly excited. We won our softball game this past week, 20-10! Shelby, Baird and I are also doing a "crunch/push up club". We have 30 days to do between 3,000 and 9,000 situps and pushups. That is 3,000 situps and 3,000 pushups, not the combined total. We will have to be doing it between combatives class too, which is until midnight and we have to work the next day. Which reminds me, I need to get a mouthguard. I guess I'm going to get off of here now and make a list of some sort! Hope all is well with everyone, sorry I don't have anything more interesting to report, people are stupid, I miss home, but I'm still overly excited about what I get to "take away" from this. Its just not things that I thought it would be...later!

Counting to 100

I feel like this is becoming more of a venting/sounding board than a blog. I am soooo trying to avoid that. I have just been so incredibly frustrated with being here. Its not even being here, its just not having "me" time. And so many people feel the need to flex their muscles and others just keep being shitbags. Those people who got "demoted" all go their rank back. Which, means they never really got demoted. The deal was that if they behaved, they got to have it back after a probationary period. Which, you can do for E4 and below but not for E5 and above. We have an officer whose career is ruined because he has a letter of reprimand for staying at a hotel with his wife and kids at mob site. While, we have another group of 5 or so soldiers who took a government vehicle, got drunk, got tattoos in one of the most dangerous cities in America and didn't loose a penny over it. I wish I WISH I have standards low enough to get in some kind of nonsense and I would DARE them to say something to me about it. Absolutely DARE them to. How is that setting any kind of example to the rest of the brigade? HOW?! How can you tell someone to behave for 2 months and they get to keep what they have? What kind of punishment is that? Because I, as well as MANY others, do the right thing. Granted, we all do silly things, but not anything that holds a candle to this. I'm not gaining anything or losing anything by doing what I'm supposed to. But these people fuck up and are told to do what the rest of us do all the damn time??? And that officer's career is finished because he was staying with his wife. Not that I condone that, but REALLY?! The second situation is the soldier of the month board. I hated it. I HATED it. I went because I was begged to go by my immediate supervisor and as much as I didn't want to do it, I thought I could take away something from this. So, we go to the board and honestly most of them were awful soldiers. As in, lazy, incompetent, stupid soldiers. All but maybe 2. One, we'll call him J, did amazing. I mean, the guy looked great, had no nerves, had done a board before, had notecards, GREAT PT and really good recommendations from his section leader. Never gets in trouble, just great. He does what he is supposed to without being told. And, he didn't miss any board questions. Well, I did okay, I got really good reviews but I had 3 days to prepare and I just wasn't where I wanted to be. Nonetheless, I was happy for J, I figured he'd have good competition if I were on my A game and I so wasn't. It happens though, I overcame that fear of doing that damn board. And man, it was bad. Anyways, we go to the announcement for it and this guy we'll call B won. HE HAS BEEN A SPC4 FOR 5 YEARS!!!! A HEIGHT/WEIGHT PT FAILURE!!! And he's lazy. Didn't do the best on the board either! I KNOW he didn't. I have evidence, but he won. So, even though I thought about and considered doing another one (because I figured I'd lost), there is no way IN HELL I am doing another one within this Brigade. What does it say if you reward, award, recognize and don't punish your soldiers as needed? J was so so so screwed. Why would I want to be recognized by this Brigade? WHY?! God I hate this Brigade. Now on the flip side of all of this. I spoke with my dear friend about all of this. And he pointed out that I was letting others control me and I was worried about everyone else. And I will SO give him that. Its not worth my worry, its out of my hands. But. BUT. It does send a message to me and I make no apologizes for having a fully-functioning moral compass. None whatsoever. I wish I could just let it roll off my back, it eventually will. But this brigade has lost a damn good soldier. I will continue to do what I'm supposed to, because its the right thing to do and anything less would compromise my values. But I refuse to strive for more because then it becomes 1) expected of you 2) the "standard" and 3) No one sees that its more than what 90% of the fucking world does. It is absolutely infuriating! I can not believe that I put my dreams on hold to be a joke of a deployment with this incredibly ass backwards unit. Shoo. I am sooooo sorry y'all. This is all just killing me. It has absolutely made me so so upset with what I decided to be a part of. I like to be whole-hearted in what I do and I can't do that with something I feel is so wrong. Every unit has problems, every single one does, but its the Army values that should stand, you do what's right and when its not, you fix it. And we don't. So sad. Gosh I wish I could be oblivious to all of this.

Anyways, lets move on to the happier things. Softball has been okay, not the best, but just getting out there and dying for 3 hours in the sun on Sunday really makes me happy. Haha. I'm going to start ditching this whole battle buddy idea too because no one will freaking go run with me and I need it bad, because I'm going to bed absolutely wound at night and I'm not sleeping well. I really like playing with guys, the other teams don't have many girls and needless to say, they are shocked to find out a girl can play softball. They're so stupid, I played fastpitch for over 10 years, my God of course I can play. I love the pressure of the games too, the other night there were 2 outs, we were down by 1 run with a guy on 2nd and I had to bat. I took 2 balls, a strike, I fouled it, then took a walk. It made me missssss softball. I felt no pressure until I fouled it and then I just payed attention. Earlier in the game I had a great hit, my hitting is on point thank goodness. I need to get comfortable with diving for the ball again but these fields are all dirt and rocks, not good stuff. I am soooooo excited for R&R. Looks like the Dominican Republic is my trip =) But, the dates for the missions trip doesn't line up with my leave dates completely so I'll have to cut it short =( I am just so incredibly excited to get to see all of this medical stuff and really care for people who need this stuff so bad. I can't think of anything more rewarding than being around grateful people. It is going to be a huge learning experience for me too. And I get to practice my spanishhhhhh!!!! And be around obsessive, silly Dominicans who love baseball probably. So excited for it =) I don't have much else to say. Just sick of the sand and no alone time. Ooooo I miss my cute little house and clothes and family too. I've been having some bad dreams =( But, I know that being back in Chattanooga would have me so sad. I couldn't imagine not being here with all of these fucktards. I just have to hold my head up and take away lots from the stupidity. Love you guys, thanks for listening =)

Crazier

Things have been pretty busy around here the past few weeks. Time has flown and it hasn't always been enjoyable, but I have other things to dwell on and this is not anything to complain about. So much going on! This week we had a lot going on at work, one guy took his case to CNN and other news channels, even though it never made it to our level, it was retarded. The combat patch thing, that, the pay issue, softball, WORK! This week I had guard duty, 3 articles due, practice, a softball game, PT test the next morning, then the soldier of the month board this morning. Which, I am SO OFF MY GAME! With EVERYTHING! I am so scatter-brained at work, tired, I have not caught but like 10 balls in softball in the last week. IN THE LAST WEEK! I have been hitting like freaking Barry Bonds but catching like a 2 year old. I went to the board today and bombed that. The board told me I did excellent but I hated it, I had 3 days to prepare! They handed us a book and said, "know this". I've never been to a board. I just freaked. I didn't care until this morning because I've been so busy thinking about everything else. Oh, then I had a urinalysis this afternoon. Thank God I'm off tomorrow. I'm having dinner with my college buddy who is leaving in 5 weeks! She was my tour guide for one of my classes back when I was in school, crazy how small the world is. Frame is out on mission so I guess I'd better occupy my time. I can't wait till he's back though, God knows I need him to help me get back on my game or I'll be permanently benched. Helen had her baby and I bought him little clothes today and her and Rob giftcards for massages, I wish I were there to see the little one! Baby Rob has Red Sox clothes coming to him =) That stupid board! UGH! Its driving me crazy! Because since I didn't win the stupid thing I KNOW my MSG will make me go back. Because she thinks I nailed it, I was just a little nervous. A LITTLE?! Oh it was so incredibly bad. Sigh sigh. Ah. I can't believe they made me do that. I do not want to do that ever again. Its so dumb! I'm so over doing stuff like that, I want to be recognized for the work I actually do, not for the effort I put into making a pretty appearance for one occasion. I do see the meaning behind it but man, I think I can hone a lot more leadership skills by looking to my leaders and being handed responsibility. I'm not active duty and I'm not getting my 5 this year unless I recieve a battlefield promotion which is highly unlikely. I am so thankful for falling on my face though, well, feeling like it. Because it makes me freaking human. Good things to report, I did awesome on the PT test. Haven't done anything but softball and I got 100% on my pushups, 84% on my situps and only 70% on my run, but my max is HIGHER now even though my minimum is lower. Which means I got like 104%, 87% and 73% in my old age group. Not that that matters, but still! Do you know why that is good? I have not done one sit up since last year, one pushup since last year and only have run about 20 times since I've been here, to include these 5ks. Definitely miss working out, running mostly. Once I get organized again tomorrow I get to make my workout schedule. I've been trying to go with people but I really hate that. I just want to run and do some cross training, flexibility is what I would like to work on and speed. I am really sleepy and going to bed now though, more to follow one of these days, I'm sure.

Combat Patch Ceremony

I know not a lot of people want to read negative posts. So, if that pertains to you, I suggest you skip this one. Because I am in a pretty foul mood. Today we had our patch ceremony. And, I was excited about it. Not a ton, because I'm pretty bummed about what we're doing, but I'm thankful for what we've been blessed with. Anyways, I really got upset over it. A SFC that I highly respected post a picture of our patch with an asterisk on it and tagged us newbies. Okay, I get it, its a joke, but have you ever had someone joke about something and it just get old? This was just the last straw with it. We've had so much crap about it and I'm so bummed. I can't help the mission we were placed on. I gave up my college to dig deep down for a year and really see what I was made of. That's not what I'm getting. Its frustrating, for me, not being a soldier in my own eyes. The office work, okay, at the armory fine. But here? This is what I train for. To be here with my battle buddies, to be a soldier. I can't help that my NCOIC won't let me out to go on a mission and get my feet wet. I can't help that we're stuck here doing mostly desk work. It just is really discouraging. So after the ceremony, I took my patch off and went back to work. Well then I ran into 1SG who immediately pinned me, again. And told me I'd better be wearing it. So, about 2 minutes later when I was out of his sight, I took it off again. I kind of feel like a brat, but its just not a big deal. I don't want to wear it and that's my choice. But I can't believe after all this time, wanting to deploy so badly, I have totally done a 180 from what I wanted. It is so so so disheartening. Ugh. I'm just a grouch tonight I guess. I'm sorry guys, I hope this will all pick up and you all can hear some happy thoughts soon and frequently.