Can't Help But Wait

This is going to be really REALLY difficult to articulate but I need to put these thoughts into words and get them off of my chest.
This past week had been phenominal at CLS in Smyrna. I am in awe when I think about how honored I am to be a part of this Army, my other family. I can't even think of words to do it justice. Even though this week was fantastic, after a night of being out at a sports bar and dancing, drinking, darts and all kinds of fun, I found out some information that at that second in time crushed my whole world. All this is going to sound really dramatic, but in my eyes it really felt this big to me. Keep in mind that alcohol in my system played a part, I'm sure. I'm not going into details except to say that it had to do with a guy that I was most definitely interested in. Well I said some of the most awful things I have ever said to a person that night. I had so many questions swimming through my head...why? what happened? how could I not trust my first instinct? what did I do to cause this? and so so SO many more. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Literally. I couldn't talk, the people with me were freaking out, I could tell but I found it physically impossible to say a word. The only thing I said was to one girl on my floor, I asked her to pinch me. She tried to hug me and I pushed her and said, "please pinch me." And she did. And I walked away. I was so incredibly mad. I had hot, angry tears. Tears that I don't think I have cried since 2 years ago. I didn't sleep at all, I got up, took care of my class leader responsibilities and thought all the way until class was out about what happened. Becky and I have to go to JFHQ for some business after class and we talked. We talked about how similar we are and how people are hurt. Us in particular. It was so comforting to know that she has the same mindset I do. Because so many times I feel misunderstood, and it is indeed a childish thought. But I don't mean boo hoo, no one gets me. I mean no one understands my heart and my love and intentions. Because it sounds superficial and made up. She told me something that really stuck with me. She said that our love was unconditional. Something rare. And when someone deserves it in our eyes, we are loyal. LOYAL like none other. So I felt better. Because it gave me a better understanding of this hot anger inside of me. I decided to just wait. I did recieve a text message that made me feel a million times better. And just like that, all was forgiven. I decided to remain friends and a great one, as if nothing had happened. Today, after having a fun time and still thinking about this guy, I realized that I was clinging to false hope. I was not what he wanted. He had made up his mind. Regardless of his reasons, it was real to me at that moment. When I got onto facebook and my newsfeed showed me pictures of his smiling face without me beside him, it stung a little. Okay, A LOT. Because all I could think was about how happy he looked and how it wasn't me bringing that smile to his face. How I never even got that chance to show him. Its like this to me, you have such an excitement for a game and you practice and commit yourself and throw all you have into your preperation for the game, you make it a part of you. Your coach notices and talks it up and makes big plans with you. You're ready for this game. And then game day approaches, warm ups you still feel on it but your coach is all over the place, acting weird and avoiding you. You know whats going on but you shake it off because everything you've done makes sense and you have done nothing to jepordize this day. And then, game time. Your coach goes to the mediocre, "safe" player. Because its the "right" thing to do. And the game ends, you guys scrape by feeling unsatisfied. I never got my chance to shine. I am a friendly, open person. But, theres a side of me few people see. I hate making decisions but when I do make them, I genuinely care and know what I want. Seriously the day I met him I thought he was great. After shaking it a couple of times because of reasons that would make our relationship difficult, I allowed myself to just enjoy the moment. I don't fall but when I do I fall hard. And this marks the 3rd time in the past 4 years I have been burned. One I should have known better, the 2nd one took me back and forth not once, but twice and then this one. I was and still am holding on to this false hope of a happy ending here. Not that I can't be friends with him, I can. But as a friend you can't comfort a friend like you would someone you are romantically involved with. A friend offers direction, a significant other KNOWS the direction. Not always, but definitely more than a friend. I'm not saying I was head over heels but I had chose to let him in and it felt like another person who walked in, dusted of their shoes and left with a mess to clean up. Especially because my romantic ventures have been more cautious than the one preceding it, I feel like my back is against a wall. I want him to get his focus on track and leave this woman and pick up where we left off. I want that so bad. But how can I be so dumb to think this can happen? His heart is elsewhere and its not my place to persuade. No matter how badly I want it. So though I have made the decision to move on, how can I do it yet again? I feel like as soon as I figure it all out I have another man step in, appearing to add to my life and bring out a better me. And he does for a short time. Then he is gone and I have another hollow part of me. I don't NEED a man, but at this point, I'm so sick of waiting and hoping and holding myself up. I would love to have that person that makes me a better person here. Now. But he seems to be MIA. So for me this means continuing what I do and cutting out the thoughts that get the best of me.

Independence

This will be a short one but lets just say something, or someone I should say, has been heavy on my mind the past few weeks and I've put too much concern into that area. Not that its a bad thing, but its hard to let bygones be bygones when you care for someone. Its not easy to do what you do, because for me I want to include that person, thats how I show my care and concern, I include them in the things I love. So when someone doesn't offer me that reassurance I am quick to jump to conclusions and not go on my merry way. I have found that I can really stick to who I am when I keep myself grounded and when I wrap myself up in what I love. Which, I still do, it just seems to be going through the motions rather than ENJOYING all of that because I find what I want and if I don't have it, I am constantly thinking of ways to have it. So I'll be doing something I love, such as running, and my thoughts drift to this person. I'm pretty comfortable with saying that I have a lot of growing up to do. And I hope I have the patience for me, but I REALLY hope people can look past these faults of mine and help me on my journey. Because I don't want to push something good away. I know I'm overwhelming but it is hard for me to see, I have to have someone be direct with me. Shoo. Thank goodness for the Army and rugby and fantastic friends and family I totally don't deserve. And. I hope I can really consume myself in what I love, not who I love =)

Blame It On The Alcohol

Today was an interesting day. A day that I have been looking forward to for a few weeks now. I can't say it disappointed, because it didn't, I had fun. It is just something I am not sure I care to relive again. All week, I had been planning to get drunk at my friends 80s party and just really enjoy myself with friends that I love. Well, me being the awesome alcoholic(NOT), it didn't take much to feel like shit. 1 cup of coconut rum and fuze followed by Cocaine, the game not the drug, really did me in. Needless to say, I went and layed down on the couch, got up and proceeded to drink more and then layed down on the couch again. The 2nd time I woke up everyone was drunk it seemed. We had a dumbass do a dumbass thing but we won't get into the nitty gritty details. A whole lot of talking shit about others, which even drunk it made me mad. I am not a huge fan of two-faced people. ESPECIALLY when we are all in the Army together. You don't leave a battle out to dry or beat him down when he's not even there to defend himself. Because then, it just makes you a gossipy middle school girl. It was a lot to take in. And its definitely not my scene. Let me emphasize once again that I have no qualms with what was going on today for the most part. However, I DO feel like it made me realize I really like my boring life. I like seeing people drunk, getting tipsy enough to giggle and have a good time. I do not like feeling like shit or drunk texting or being needy. All happen when I am drunk. I hate it. They say your "true colors" show when you're drunk. I don't believe that, I think it brings out the worst in people. Well, maybe not everyone, but definitely me. Today I was overly competitive, lazy and worst of all, NEEDY. NEEDY AS HELL. All I wanted was for someone to sit on the couch with me and let me hold their hand. Ugh. To sum it all up, I wasn't proud of myself, I'm better than that. This isn't about morals and drinking, promise, its about how I hold myself to a higher standard than what I was today and I slacked because I wasn't in control of my actions like I should have been. But that game was way fun and I did do good. And darts was a very fun challenge. Made me slightly angry but thats okay. There is more on my mind. Alot more, but I choose not to disclose. Mostly because I'm not sure how to explain what I feel at the moment. So once I sort it out and can articulate things, I will be sure to vent/share.

LWRFC

This is going to be a selfish post, just warning you. For the last 2 years I have been learning rugby and playing it. I'm sure you all know this by now to say the least. I used to play for Lee University and due to what I wanted I can't play for them this semester. I have to be a full time student at Lee and I chose to do online classes through another school so that I couldn really get involved in my Army life for the time being. And its not that I regret this decision, its been a very important part of who I am, its just the circumstances really suck. My old teammates just got back from NATIONALS. Yes, NATIONALS. This is their 2nd year in the Matrix and they ended the season ranked #11 in the country. Truely an accomplishment, I won't get into the details of the hows or whys. Its disheartening to me to know that I haven't been there to give it my all. Because that team means the world to me. Our coach, how we learned, what we did as a team together. You hear frequently that you have special relationships that form when you are a part of a team. But these girls are truely a class of their own. The best team ever. Literally, EVER. I can't explain why it is but they are so incredibly different from any other group of people. It really shows that all the hard work and dedication payed off. Even though I know God has his ways and does everything for a reason, it is really hard to sit and understand why Anna and myself were not fortunate enough to be a part of such a phenominal journey. We helped build that team from the bottom up and I have no qualms about other new girls enjoying that, I just do not understand why I haven't been there to shine with them and support them. I learned so much more than rugby and I still look for what I had when I was a part of that team. So again, I know this is a selfish thought because almost all my dreams for that team has come true I just wish I could be there for it. I think its time to pick myself up and put a smile on and be proud. And leave it to God. Hard to do. But, I have to worry about what I am a part of and not what I'm missing out on. In due time, I will be blessed with exactly what I need in everyway. Thanks my girls for changing my life. I love you all more than you know =)

Breathe Easy

Have you ever noticed that no matter what happens in your life or how much you age there are certain things that never change? Well for me one of them is staying crazy busy. I feel like I need to always be learning, seeing and doing. My mind and body always have to be in motion. It is normally a great thing, but sometimes it has its downfalls. Today is my first day off since Easter and I'm not complaining because I haven't missed out on anything really but these last couple of weeks have proven to be stressful. Moving being at the top of the list. To spare the world with the sappy and lengthy story, we'll just sum it up as complete bullshit. So, FINALLY Friday night the people moving out got all of their stuff out. And just like that, about 3/4 of my stress melted away. Now today I have up since 6am motivated to get my place together! And it won't really be completely done for a few weeks but man it feels great. Aside from that which has been heavy on my mind, everything around me is the same, fun and kindda keeping me on edge. I worry that I'm not doing all I can to show those around me what they mean to me, my family and my friends. Yet, I worry that I am overwhelming to them also. Its a hard place to strike a balance. I was once told you treat people how you want to be treated and I don't mean the concept of it, I mean people LITERALLY give love in the manner how they want love to be given to them. So I love and talk and talk and talk way too much. Thats how I show my love. And give lots of hugs =)Its a very intimidating thing for me, as silly as it sounds. I love everyone, no matter what a pain in the ass they are. But for the people that I really am close with or want to further my relationship with, its hard to show that affection because I so badly want to, yet I don't want to push them away. Because not everyone is like me. When you find someone you care about you want it to be right. So I'm holding my breath and crossing my fingers yet trying to keep my balance for the sake of my sanity. Its so much fun, its almost like you feel unstoppable but given past experiences its so easy to be let down by people, intentionally or unintentionally. I am human, I want to say that past wounds have healed but if I know they can be easily open again, have they really? A question for me to take into consideration. Until I figure it out though, I have so many great things to look forward to! My sweet baby bubs will be one and I get to go and celebrate with him and my amazing and retarded family. And I'm bringing my friend Steph, maybe one or two more. I love my family so much and friends and I love seeing them interact because for me its having the best of both worlds. Very selfish, I KNOW! =( But it is fantastic to me. I have one more regular rugby match to look forward to and the 7s, which I am incredibly nervous about. I want to be a great athlete and that involves a lot of patience and dedication I worry I may not posses. These players are so experienced and I am still merely a rookie. I'm eager to further my game big time. I also get to go to Boston very soon! Its bittersweet, I have a guy from my unit who will be there the same timeframe which is really obnoxious but I need to learn patience anyways. On top of that I will really miss the people I see around here. Tons =( I am excited to experience things but for me most of the fun is who you experience them with. All this just says its time to take a step back, stop thinking so much and breathe easy. As Gabe Dixon says, "all will be well".

Everything I Need

Lately has been insanely busy. But fantastic. Today is Good Friday and no armory so its a great time to reflect, yet again.
Lets see. At this particular moment, I have cuts and scrapes and HUGE bruises all over me from the kind of rugby practice I hate the most. My body is incredibly sore but I still have so much energy and life to spare today! My apartment is an awesome disaster, all my friends are off working or back at home, my hair is a disaster and my toenails need to be painted. Despite all these things which can add up and bum you out some, even if they are worthless concerns, it is a BEAUTIFUL day outside. A fantastic spring day that I don't have to work or play rugby or travel or be go go going and run around. I am free to be. For me it seems so easy to sit and know how blessed I am. In the last few weeks I have played rugby in Savannah, suprised my grandparents in Georgia, supported on of my best friends at her BCT graduation, spent some of the best time with my mother and baby sister, went hiking at Cloudland Canyon in the pouring rain, went on an amazing walk on top of Lookout Mountain, learned so much, have had some of the best and easiest conversation with a great guy who still makes me jittery, shared Cheerwine and the Soffee outlet with some people I adore, worked at the unit with the Army's best (mostly haha) and learned BOCCE BALL wtih 2 of my favorite people. And so so SO MUCH more that I can't even remember. This lame journey of searching for happiness doesn't seem so lame anymore. Love life is really confusing but exciting and scary all at the same time right now. Work is great. Getting moving and settled between Cleveland and Chattanooga. Rugby is rough because theres not any games I can catch it seems yet its so woth it to be going to practice. But its all so so SO good. In a year I will be in Iraq so I am learning to love what I am doing and not worry so much. It seems like everything I need:living, learning and loving. =)