This is going to be really REALLY difficult to articulate but I need to put these thoughts into words and get them off of my chest.
This past week had been phenominal at CLS in Smyrna. I am in awe when I think about how honored I am to be a part of this Army, my other family. I can't even think of words to do it justice. Even though this week was fantastic, after a night of being out at a sports bar and dancing, drinking, darts and all kinds of fun, I found out some information that at that second in time crushed my whole world. All this is going to sound really dramatic, but in my eyes it really felt this big to me. Keep in mind that alcohol in my system played a part, I'm sure. I'm not going into details except to say that it had to do with a guy that I was most definitely interested in. Well I said some of the most awful things I have ever said to a person that night. I had so many questions swimming through my head...why? what happened? how could I not trust my first instinct? what did I do to cause this? and so so SO many more. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Literally. I couldn't talk, the people with me were freaking out, I could tell but I found it physically impossible to say a word. The only thing I said was to one girl on my floor, I asked her to pinch me. She tried to hug me and I pushed her and said, "please pinch me." And she did. And I walked away. I was so incredibly mad. I had hot, angry tears. Tears that I don't think I have cried since 2 years ago. I didn't sleep at all, I got up, took care of my class leader responsibilities and thought all the way until class was out about what happened. Becky and I have to go to JFHQ for some business after class and we talked. We talked about how similar we are and how people are hurt. Us in particular. It was so comforting to know that she has the same mindset I do. Because so many times I feel misunderstood, and it is indeed a childish thought. But I don't mean boo hoo, no one gets me. I mean no one understands my heart and my love and intentions. Because it sounds superficial and made up. She told me something that really stuck with me. She said that our love was unconditional. Something rare. And when someone deserves it in our eyes, we are loyal. LOYAL like none other. So I felt better. Because it gave me a better understanding of this hot anger inside of me. I decided to just wait. I did recieve a text message that made me feel a million times better. And just like that, all was forgiven. I decided to remain friends and a great one, as if nothing had happened. Today, after having a fun time and still thinking about this guy, I realized that I was clinging to false hope. I was not what he wanted. He had made up his mind. Regardless of his reasons, it was real to me at that moment. When I got onto facebook and my newsfeed showed me pictures of his smiling face without me beside him, it stung a little. Okay, A LOT. Because all I could think was about how happy he looked and how it wasn't me bringing that smile to his face. How I never even got that chance to show him. Its like this to me, you have such an excitement for a game and you practice and commit yourself and throw all you have into your preperation for the game, you make it a part of you. Your coach notices and talks it up and makes big plans with you. You're ready for this game. And then game day approaches, warm ups you still feel on it but your coach is all over the place, acting weird and avoiding you. You know whats going on but you shake it off because everything you've done makes sense and you have done nothing to jepordize this day. And then, game time. Your coach goes to the mediocre, "safe" player. Because its the "right" thing to do. And the game ends, you guys scrape by feeling unsatisfied. I never got my chance to shine. I am a friendly, open person. But, theres a side of me few people see. I hate making decisions but when I do make them, I genuinely care and know what I want. Seriously the day I met him I thought he was great. After shaking it a couple of times because of reasons that would make our relationship difficult, I allowed myself to just enjoy the moment. I don't fall but when I do I fall hard. And this marks the 3rd time in the past 4 years I have been burned. One I should have known better, the 2nd one took me back and forth not once, but twice and then this one. I was and still am holding on to this false hope of a happy ending here. Not that I can't be friends with him, I can. But as a friend you can't comfort a friend like you would someone you are romantically involved with. A friend offers direction, a significant other KNOWS the direction. Not always, but definitely more than a friend. I'm not saying I was head over heels but I had chose to let him in and it felt like another person who walked in, dusted of their shoes and left with a mess to clean up. Especially because my romantic ventures have been more cautious than the one preceding it, I feel like my back is against a wall. I want him to get his focus on track and leave this woman and pick up where we left off. I want that so bad. But how can I be so dumb to think this can happen? His heart is elsewhere and its not my place to persuade. No matter how badly I want it. So though I have made the decision to move on, how can I do it yet again? I feel like as soon as I figure it all out I have another man step in, appearing to add to my life and bring out a better me. And he does for a short time. Then he is gone and I have another hollow part of me. I don't NEED a man, but at this point, I'm so sick of waiting and hoping and holding myself up. I would love to have that person that makes me a better person here. Now. But he seems to be MIA. So for me this means continuing what I do and cutting out the thoughts that get the best of me.
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