Carencro

Okay. So. It has been entirely too long since I wrote on this thing, again. BUT! I got super inspired for several reasons and it reminded me how cool this has actually turned out to be. So here are the few things that have inspired me lately: 1) Reading. I LOVE TO READ. At October AT, B and I were thinking of things for our black boxes (a huge Stanley tough box thingy we pack for deployment to be shipped to our post ahead of ourselves. You fill it normally with comfort items. Sheets, pictures, books, etc.)and I realized there was no way I would have room for anything if I filled my black box with enough books to last me a year. So, I remembered my cousin H got a book reader and thought that would be a great Christmas present to ask for so I just had that rather than a bajillion books. Well, I mentioned it to B and of course, we sat down at some random work laptop in the orderly room and did our research right then. We decided the Nook from B&N was simply awesome. We got entirely too excited with it and went that Friday to buy it along with the new Taylor Swift CD. (I really should be ashamed of all this, but I'm not. Haha.)Anyways, the Nook is freaking perfect and I've been reading on it a lot lately. Lots of medical stuff, because I totally forgot I was such a science nerd until I was looking for books for it. So, THAT lead to finding blogs about the lives of Med School Students. And under all this I remembered what I wanted more than anything. Its like God has been drawing me back to my purpose. It has been such such SUCH a fantastic year. I tried so many things and met so many people and have not had a second to breathe. It has been astounding. But, with the deaths of 2 people very close to me, He has reminded me that while distractions are welcomed and can bring many building blocks with them, ultimately, if you're not striving for something more, what are you taking away from this life? Ah! I am simply giddy right now over where I am going with all of this. I have always wanted to be in the Medical Field, a physical therapist is what I was really drawn to. Then I saw my homework from Kindergarten. It reads:
"What is your favorite color?" - All of them.
"What is your favorite food?" - Tacos.
"What makes you happy?" - Smiling and helping people.
"Who do you love?" - Everyone.
"What do you want to be when you grow up and why?"- A doctor, so I can save people.

Every single one of those answers stands true today. People do change, yes. But we are molds of what we're about. That entails both good and bad things. Those things above showed who I was as a 4, almost 5-year-old and they are still who I am today. Just like I am still stubborn and hate crying and get mad mostly because my feeling have been hurt. Sigh. That's my big med school/future spill. To sum it up. I am going to live the life I dreamed and that doesn't include fairy tails and castles, it includes saving lives and medical missions! YAY. More later. I'm trying to wrap this up.
Other two main things that have inspired me: 2)I have seen my peers achieving THEIR dreams! Graduating, becoming lawyers and teachers and DOCTORS and freaking touring with Michael Buble!!!! Just really cool and inspiring.
3) I have been around so much good lately. I have been so caught up in Army that I lose myself in my "solider" identity. Which, has been fun and successful, but its not JAMIE! Well, it is Jamie, but its Army Jamie. If that makes sense. I've had the opportunity to move to an area that reflects my interests, met a few people outside of the unit and connected with people within on the same page. 2 lieutenants of all people! Haha. They're great role models. Lots of marriages, pregnancies, engagements, happiness. Normally, its kindda depressing to be honest, because obviously I want to have exciting things happening to me! But, it is soooo not the time for that kind of stuff but its making me really excited for when it is my time =) Night world, big day tomorrow! Explain later.

Play it Cool

Its been a long time, once again, sorry, once again. Booooo! I feel like I have been going nonstop these past few months. Well, there's no "feeling" to it, I have been! So busy that its really sad that I'm leaning towards staying home instead of driving to GA to go to my grandmother's Thanksgiving dinner bc I have so much to do here! Ugh. But, I know its important to see the fam especially before a deployment that's quickly approaching. I feel like I felt before BCT. Nervous, excited and EAGER. Eager to get back and finish school, eager to get back and have grown from this, eager to push myself! Life sucks right now, its not "bad" persay, its just SO MUCH! It sounds silly but I swear its the best way to put it. Its like drinking from a fire hose. I have no time to breathe but I love it. Just sometimes it would be so nice to be caught up on my to do list. Ah. Life. Its crazy. I have so much more to say and no time though, of course.

Half of my Heart

It indeed has been a while since I've thrown my 2 cents into the world so here we go again. I've had a very busy week that began with 2 crazy days at work, the 2nd being my birthday. Which, sucked. That sounds bratty because I was actually very pleased that I had some friends that came out to enjoy drinks at Fox and the Hound. But, it did suck. I went to work rather than being a bum like everyone else on their birthdays and its almost like I get punished. Granted, I understand things have to be done that suck, etc. But there is no reason that myself and a crew of 3 should be cleaning a. Drill hall because a solider didn't clean the drill hall after his rental nor did he ensure it was clean. I understand the concept that you help one another out but seriously he was irresponsible and when other soliders mess up rentals and are required to clean them alone during non-work hours, so should he. And SERIOUSLY ON MY BIRTHDAY?! I want everyday to be a good one, don't get me wrong. But my birthday is something I build myself up to for months. Its the only day I truely want to be great. Then, Fox was pretty good only my friends pretty much had me drinking like a maniac, pretty sure I had alcohol poising, not even kidding. My fault also, im very aware. Never drinking again. Goodness. Then I was sick as a dog. And what I wanted, actually all I wanted for my bday was no where to be seen. Certain friends and flowers. I told my parents all I wanted for my bday was flowers. And, they put 50 dollars in my account. Im totally appreciative of it, but flowers mean more to me than money, they at least are picked out for you. So. Sad day. Yes I was disappointed. Yes. I will whine. Birthdays are a big deal to me and all I want these days is to invest in me what I do in them. I dont believe in living half-hearted, half-assed. Maybe that's just too much to ask. Oh well, looks like i'll be a loner if its too much of a demand.

Life as is

I am already struggling with words to form and put on this thing, SAD! Oh well, its overdue. The biggest and best thing I have to put right now is that I WENT TO FENWAYYYYY! And they lost and my least favorite Red Sox player probably of all time was pitching and its totally his fault that we lost. GRR! BUT! Fenway was fantastic. I had tears in my eyes when I walked in. I KNOW its so so so SOOOOO incredibly stupid! But I just can't help it! It was the coolest thing ever. So close to these players, some who I have watched for years and years! It was very surreal. Everything about it was great. And one of my best friends from college was with me, Scottie. He has been going to Fenway since he was a kid and it was the best seats hes had he said! So it ment a lot to me that it was a good present for my dear buddy Scottford! I can't even put it into words right now, maybe I can later. It seems like I'm in the homestretch for so many things that what I really like has taken a backseat. Not that I am not having a blast, I SO am! But its been kindda sucky, experiencing all this with people that I've just met. They are all for the most part fantastic and tons of fun but stinks the people I would love to share this with just can't be here with me. It also got me thinking about how much I love people and love meeting them but how hard it is for me be open with them. I hate meeting new people in the sense that I don't like the initial, shallow questions. I can't explain who I am and what I'm about, you have to see it. Mostly because is sounds like a load of bullshit. I feel awful when it comes to explaining me in words. Its incredibly frustrating. And I like seeing who people are through their actions. Anywho. I am so so SO sleepy but I really wanted to get on her and I guess attempt to describe Fenway while it was fresh in my mind. I have so much more to say, as usual but somethings just can't be explained. In due time =)

Claseeeeee

I'm in class right now. I am aware that I should be paying attention, blah blah. Whatever, I haven't thus far and today will not change that. This stuff is mindless. SO onward!Fort Devens has been really different. My roommate is fantastic, sad she won't be sticking around for phase 2. My battle buddies in my class are so much fun, they are really hard on me but in the best spirit possible so I definitely feel blessed to be learning from a really good (mostly) group of NCOs. There are the ate-up ones though. The ones that you go, "how in the WORLD do they function in the regular world, let alone the Army?" The instructors are great, really care that we get this material. But now the cadre, for real a bunch of Drill Sergeants. We've been smoked, we have inspection every morning, class until at least 5pm every day and have to march, call cadence, structured PT. Before you jump your gun, I KNOW I joined the Army, I KNOW this is how the Army is. But let me just say that when you are on a reserve post smaller than the neighborhood I grew up in and on the Reserve/Guard side they're so slack. Aside from that, this isn't a leadership school, its a reclass school. I was really annoyed at first because a sergeant I work with recently returned from the same school (different location) and his slow ass didn't have to do anything. Geesh. Oh well. The big thing is another sergeant I work with lowered my expectations, kept telling me, "oh you'll have tons of freetime, they're so nice and its laid back." Uhhhh. Now, I'm ok with it. Mostly because they gave us Friday night and most of Saturday off. Its pretty crazy here most of the time. As in, something is ALWAYS ate up, delaying the class. So it moves sooooo slowwwww and I have too much energy to sit here and burn my eyes out of their sockets by listening to someone read from a book. Its hard to understand because to me, it SEEMS really self-explanitory, but I guess its not for everyone. Patience, I am learning patience. Lol. I am stuck at squad leader. Which is fine, but the fantastic E7 infantryman Sergeat Dionne kills me. Haha, he doesn't cut me any slack and I don't mind being in charge, its just I don't want to feel like as an E3 I'm offending anyone and their rank. My squad is fantastic about it but I tell you what, some other squads have some fiesty females quick to point out my rank, regardless of what it is I am told to do. Geesh. People are so sensitive. MAYBE I was just directed to tell you something? Don't believe me, take it up to the next step. People are so sensitive. Lol. Now for the good stuff, no more whining. I'M GOING TO FENWAY THURSDAY!!!! With one of my best friends, Scottie. He taught me rugby and so much more, we were close friends in college and we had a group that we all did things together all the time. Well, he graduated college and moved back home to CT. He's about 2 hours away and his bday is coming up so I'm very excited to be getting him a ticket to a game with me. Only he won't let me pay for it! Oh well, I'll win. But, aside from my family and one other person, there is no one I would rather catch a game with. Thats my buddy. So yea, I'm excited. I miss my friends at home, I really wish I could share this with them but its been easier knowing there is a time for everything and when I return there is plenty of time and fun to be had. But, I'm still going to miss certain people because they won't be around as much anymore. Hopefully, this means that time will just be even better since it won't be as often. Welp, nothing much else to say except that I am way sleepy everyday! 5am wakeup is gayyyy! A goodnight always helps though =)

Day at Devens

I feel better now. Much better because my afternoon has ended on a good note, as in sports, but I still feel the need to recount the rest of my day. Before I begin, let me explain somethings. I am fairly flexible. When I sign up for something, its because I've generally researched it and I'm prepared to handle it. This, I originally expected the worst. Basic for a month, whatever. Well, some sergeants informed me over and over again that these MOS schools are chill, lots of classwork, but plenty of freedom for sure. They even broke it down to specifics. Ledtard. He came back from CA without breaking a sweat. Which means I am MORE than capable of this. Well, I get here and it is way different. Fine. Okay, I know we can't all know what's going to happen. But why in the HELL would you tell someone something you didn't know anything about? Don't tell me there is no this and that if you don't know. Well, its been annoying, realizing that getting out of class everyday at 5pm and being with them for PT at 0530 is not the 12-hour day I had in mind. And marching and calling cadence EVERYWHERE? To the chow hall and back? REALLY? Okay. I can still deal. But today. SUNDAY. 7am...an INSPECTION. REALLY. A suprise inspection. Blew my mind. Anywho. It was a long, very dry and annoying day. I don't want to be thinking about other things from back home either but needless to say, in the midst of boring lessons, it was there. So much confusion. But. Patience. Which is what I'm learning. Which is why I am stuck here with FREAKING WELLS. UGH. WHO I COULD KILL ALREADY. Oh well, there are completely insane, passionate fans such as myself that love the Celtics and the Sox and that pretty much makes it all worth it. I will go to Fenway and not even care. And I ran after class because I was so mad and fedup with today. It hurtttt. My nose and all that was in mucho pain. Change of atmosphere is a bitch to my nose. Its so sensitive. Ugh. Nosebleeds will prevail, I'm sure. So tonight, I will go and shower listen to my country music and read and fall asleep. Maybe not in my bed or curled up next to anyone that would make it just a little better, but at least come PT at 0530am I'll be ready. Sleepyyyyy. Night world =)

BOSTON!!!

So I'm in Boston...ish. Fort Devens, about 30 minutes away. But its FANTASTIC! And I love Boston accents!!!! Its soooo adorable!!! I don't have very much free time, everyday we have class but I've had evenings to myself and I've explored some of the area and its got a lot of character, REALLY ADORABLE! My "accent" gets made fun of but its definitely not that bad so I get off easy. My classmates are fun, they are all going to jump in and come to Fenway with me! And I hear we get an excellent discount, as in $7 or FREE. I have to call Fenway tomorrow and find out for sure but its FANTASTIC! Ah! I really miss my friends but staying here and busy is great and has been a good time to get my mind off of all thats going on down there. I think it will be really good when I return. I absolutely cannot wait. And, I am getting some awesome presents, its just hard to choose because all of the Red Sox stuff is just perfect. Anyways, hopefully I will have more time to really elaborate on all that is going on sooner rather than later. I enjoy getting on this thing, suprisingly. Its sort of theraputic. Me gusta mucho =)

Turning Point

Let's see, I'm sick and can't sleep. Perfect time to reflect. Haha =)
I keep referring back to these last few weeks I feel like and I am doing it yet again. It has been a rollar coaster and overall, fun. Because even through the not so awesome times I realize that I have been getting to the core of what life is about and just living it. Even though I hate negative emotions and blah blah, I realize that the good isn't so good without experiencing the bad. I still remember back in August, which was not but a few short months ago, coming out of all this initial Army training and making a promise. A promise that I shared with my friends and we started a campaign. The Best Year Ever. Brad even so cleverly nicknamed it B.Y.E. haha =) Its not even over yet and I can say that it has been one of the best years of my life. I have experienced everything that I love in life and more. Traveling, spending time with family and friends, learning all kinds of amazing things and still finding a routine in it all. To me, the craziest part is that the people who I made this promise to (Brad, Ben, Derek, Nathan, Brian, Deanna, Delaney and Lins) were only a small part of this year thusfar. We had so so SO many good times but once I got to my unit, I became really attatched to the people there because they obviously understand Army life in a way that you really can't unless you're a part of it. Looking back, it really sucks that I haven't spent nearly as much time with Ben and the others because their friendship ment the world to me, as it still does. I have yet to accept the fact that people grow apart and go their own ways sometimes in life. I always have struggled with this because I feel like there can be so many different layers to who I am and that I can mantain friendships, no matter where my path in life may take me. Both could be wrong statements but I think the biggest thing is that it takes 2 people to maintain a relationship of any kind and if both of us get caught up in the here and now, we put that friendship on a back burner until it gets to the point of fizzling out. So sad to me because Ben to this day had such a huge impact on my life. I miss him so much and our random texts to one another aren't the same as our 3am car rides getting lost in the middle of no where. Well that is some of the downside of life at the moment but there is lots of good as well. I just wanted to say that while I was thinking of them. I miss you guys, and I love you soooooo much.

Do All The Wrong Things Right

Well, my friend from my unit the other night, I spoke with his wife a lot today and it has made me feel really good. Because we cleared a lot of things up. And seeing them and their relationship really, REALLY makes me see a lot of me and how I am, romantically speaking. This guy foolishness has been really killing me. Mostly because I can not freaking figure out where I am screwing these relationships up with these few, VERY FEW men I have been interested in. It seems to be so so SO incredibly good and then it just changes, a complete 180. I have no idea where I stand where this most recent one except that I have obviously done something to push him away. I would have loved to have gotten the "I changed my mind" memo. Because there is nothing worse than holding onto false hope. Anywho. It is what it is. This couple though, they are MADE for one another, they bring out the best in one another and love one another so much that when one hurts, so does the other. I can't wait to have that, being on the same page but being two completely different individuals. Its such a happy thought for me but such a FRUSTRATING one! Because I feel like I waste my time. Making mistakes on some guy who is worthless! You can't think the world of someone and not want to be with them. I don't think so anyways. So why the liessss?! Boo! And I love love LOVE the song, "Hell on the Heart". I ran to it for a good 15 minutes today. Lol, thats a lot of that song!

Here We Go Again

I think my computer will blow up before I am done with this month. Well this week it seems. Tonight. My roommate. She wanted to go out and celebrate being 21. So we had some ideas in mind. We get ready, go out, determined to make it a fantastic time. She FINALLY makes up her mind what she wants to do and we arrive at our destination. Only to recieve a phone call from her sister. Who, I will not get into details about, but I do not think she does my roommate right. Her sister calls right as we're parking to say that her boyfriend has overdosed on some fucking drug and is sitting in the Best Buy parking lot about 35 minutes away from where we are in HER car and can't drive home. SO she needs us to go get him and bring him and her car home. I flat out tell Steph, "this is the time you tell her you will get her car but leave his ass at Best Buy and make HIM find a way home". But, as usual, Steph caves. I'm not mad I'm not going out, its whatever. I'm sleepy anyways. BUT STEPHANIE ONCE AGAIN IS HER SISTER'S BITCH. More importantly, it made me think about Barrett and Beth's relationship. How he is such a scum bag, cheating, trying to cheat, unmotivated, lazy, disgusting, I could go on and on. But he has that big thing that I refuse to ever forego again...TRUST. It made me think back to Napoleon and how awful he was throughout our almost 3 years. It made me so much better though and I will never, and so far haven't, fallen victim to this trap of not being important enough for you to be honest with me. And once again, seeing this scares me away from men again. Yes, I know all men aren't this way, blah blah. But when will come the time when I find someone that will keep up with me AND be worthy of my trust. Especially because I don't find it hard to earn. I trust unless I have reason not to. If you have nothing to hide, its pretty easy to see. My mom always told me when I was little that I had "an ippecable judgement in a person's character". Not that I knew what the hell it ment at that age, but still. I totally am blinded by people at times, well, SUPRISED. You didn't think this person was such a perv, you didn't think this one was such a bum, etc. But for the most part, I get to know someone and I see how they will fit into my life and how far to take that friendship. I get burned romantically once I am in waist deep but you know, its a learning process and the deeper I get, the closer I am to finding the right one. Until then, IT SUCKS. And you will never, NEVER catch me at the wrath of that bullshit. I have been blinded by being in love and it slowed my reaction, but it never prevented me from walking away when I saw our problems were too much to fix. And now look at that man, 26 still struggling with his place in life, going from job to job, using his charm to have the world provide for him. All while some guy pays for his school because he can strike a tune on the piano. He has 2 different girls he got pregnant, neither of which he really cared much for. If I had stuck around just a little longer it could have easily been me. And I'm so thankful its not. I don't want that or him for that matter. So. Love. Its sucks. But one day, it shall be worth it. Until then, I'm going to take care of me and those I love.

History In The Making

Well since I can't really sleep I think its a good time to write maybe that will help =) These past few weeks have truely been a whirlwind. And challenging. Its very hard to be in the midst of things and not see that they are really shaping you and making you a better person, no matter how negative your feelings are towards the situation at that moment. I just want to say I've been on this country music kick for the last few weeks and its fun because the music is happy, how I like it. I really, really hate flaws. Yes, we all have them but I don't like flaws that you have a hard time fixing. I know, I KNOW I'm not perfect but I like that because I think it gives me character. I like that maybe I can't be good at basketball or bowling or something else thats harmless. But when your flaws affect others, it makes me feel really bad, simply put. I have a friend from work who is genuinely that, a FRIEND. He's 24, married and has an adorable little boy. I think the world of him, I think he's a really great man. But thats it, I'm not attracted to him. Well, he has recently been texting me a lot. I have never texted him first. But the conversation is really innocent. He'll text me things such as, "I think I caught loseritis from hanging out with you this week". And let me point out that we have never hung out one-on-one nor talked about it. He came to dinner last week with a group of people from our CLS class and we ran together for a PT test that same week. Well, I know that I'm the kind of person thats a big doofus and I do things that people go home and off-handly mention to their families or whoever. So I'm guessing he does the same thing to his wife. Which, to me says that you have nothing to hide, when you don't mention a person who you see a lot at all and avoid the topic thats a red flag. But, I guess it made her mad. Well, she has known about me for a while now and I'm not really sure why but she texted me tonight apologizing saying that she "has had it our for me for the past 4 weeks". Its scary, to think that you can make enemies like that. Ok, thats a little dramatic but it really bothers me that someone who didn't even know me would so strongly dislike me. I can understand where she's coming from and I think I handled it okay. But its still sucky =( I don't ever text him! He texts me! I have a very strong sense of right and wrong I feel like and if I know my intentions are good, I don't care how it appears because I have nothing to hide. Anywho! That was an event from tonight. And it got me thinking about how young and dumb and naive I am, yet again. Lol. Yet, I'm okay with it. But because of the people I surround myself I am so eager to grow up. I want people to know that I can handle anything thrown my way but I will never lose my childish side if I can help it. I hate not knowing and understanding, people tend to forego explaining things because of my age. I can handle anything. I am convinced. I like the turns in and out of life but at times consistency is so comforting and I think thats what I'm craving right now. That core group of people and a routine. My job offers the nice routine and I am surrounded by a great group of people. I am bummed that I seem to have lost my Lee friends. I had the best group of guy friends that I saw all the time and we did something different all the time. But I could count on them for that great time. Now I feel stuck inbetween because at the moment I'm not a college student but I'm not a person raising a family or in a serious relationship keeping much together. I feel like a drifter. The best way I know how to describe this feeling is that now would be a great time to disappear and do something I've always wanted to, such as a missions trip. Really get something out of it and return refreshed having learned about others. This post is all over the place. Haha. Lets see. Summer is coming up. It will be busy with AT and 42A school but I like a busy life. And I need to learn to be all about Army. I kind of am already though =) Can't wait to see where all this will lead. Life is astouding, to say the least. I know what I want but will it turn out the way I imagine? No, definitely not. Will it tur out like I want? I'm easy to please so I reallyyyyyy hope so. Because if I don't accomplish the things I want to in my lifetime...UGH! Lol. Goodnight world =)

Can't Help But Wait

This is going to be really REALLY difficult to articulate but I need to put these thoughts into words and get them off of my chest.
This past week had been phenominal at CLS in Smyrna. I am in awe when I think about how honored I am to be a part of this Army, my other family. I can't even think of words to do it justice. Even though this week was fantastic, after a night of being out at a sports bar and dancing, drinking, darts and all kinds of fun, I found out some information that at that second in time crushed my whole world. All this is going to sound really dramatic, but in my eyes it really felt this big to me. Keep in mind that alcohol in my system played a part, I'm sure. I'm not going into details except to say that it had to do with a guy that I was most definitely interested in. Well I said some of the most awful things I have ever said to a person that night. I had so many questions swimming through my head...why? what happened? how could I not trust my first instinct? what did I do to cause this? and so so SO many more. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Literally. I couldn't talk, the people with me were freaking out, I could tell but I found it physically impossible to say a word. The only thing I said was to one girl on my floor, I asked her to pinch me. She tried to hug me and I pushed her and said, "please pinch me." And she did. And I walked away. I was so incredibly mad. I had hot, angry tears. Tears that I don't think I have cried since 2 years ago. I didn't sleep at all, I got up, took care of my class leader responsibilities and thought all the way until class was out about what happened. Becky and I have to go to JFHQ for some business after class and we talked. We talked about how similar we are and how people are hurt. Us in particular. It was so comforting to know that she has the same mindset I do. Because so many times I feel misunderstood, and it is indeed a childish thought. But I don't mean boo hoo, no one gets me. I mean no one understands my heart and my love and intentions. Because it sounds superficial and made up. She told me something that really stuck with me. She said that our love was unconditional. Something rare. And when someone deserves it in our eyes, we are loyal. LOYAL like none other. So I felt better. Because it gave me a better understanding of this hot anger inside of me. I decided to just wait. I did recieve a text message that made me feel a million times better. And just like that, all was forgiven. I decided to remain friends and a great one, as if nothing had happened. Today, after having a fun time and still thinking about this guy, I realized that I was clinging to false hope. I was not what he wanted. He had made up his mind. Regardless of his reasons, it was real to me at that moment. When I got onto facebook and my newsfeed showed me pictures of his smiling face without me beside him, it stung a little. Okay, A LOT. Because all I could think was about how happy he looked and how it wasn't me bringing that smile to his face. How I never even got that chance to show him. Its like this to me, you have such an excitement for a game and you practice and commit yourself and throw all you have into your preperation for the game, you make it a part of you. Your coach notices and talks it up and makes big plans with you. You're ready for this game. And then game day approaches, warm ups you still feel on it but your coach is all over the place, acting weird and avoiding you. You know whats going on but you shake it off because everything you've done makes sense and you have done nothing to jepordize this day. And then, game time. Your coach goes to the mediocre, "safe" player. Because its the "right" thing to do. And the game ends, you guys scrape by feeling unsatisfied. I never got my chance to shine. I am a friendly, open person. But, theres a side of me few people see. I hate making decisions but when I do make them, I genuinely care and know what I want. Seriously the day I met him I thought he was great. After shaking it a couple of times because of reasons that would make our relationship difficult, I allowed myself to just enjoy the moment. I don't fall but when I do I fall hard. And this marks the 3rd time in the past 4 years I have been burned. One I should have known better, the 2nd one took me back and forth not once, but twice and then this one. I was and still am holding on to this false hope of a happy ending here. Not that I can't be friends with him, I can. But as a friend you can't comfort a friend like you would someone you are romantically involved with. A friend offers direction, a significant other KNOWS the direction. Not always, but definitely more than a friend. I'm not saying I was head over heels but I had chose to let him in and it felt like another person who walked in, dusted of their shoes and left with a mess to clean up. Especially because my romantic ventures have been more cautious than the one preceding it, I feel like my back is against a wall. I want him to get his focus on track and leave this woman and pick up where we left off. I want that so bad. But how can I be so dumb to think this can happen? His heart is elsewhere and its not my place to persuade. No matter how badly I want it. So though I have made the decision to move on, how can I do it yet again? I feel like as soon as I figure it all out I have another man step in, appearing to add to my life and bring out a better me. And he does for a short time. Then he is gone and I have another hollow part of me. I don't NEED a man, but at this point, I'm so sick of waiting and hoping and holding myself up. I would love to have that person that makes me a better person here. Now. But he seems to be MIA. So for me this means continuing what I do and cutting out the thoughts that get the best of me.

Independence

This will be a short one but lets just say something, or someone I should say, has been heavy on my mind the past few weeks and I've put too much concern into that area. Not that its a bad thing, but its hard to let bygones be bygones when you care for someone. Its not easy to do what you do, because for me I want to include that person, thats how I show my care and concern, I include them in the things I love. So when someone doesn't offer me that reassurance I am quick to jump to conclusions and not go on my merry way. I have found that I can really stick to who I am when I keep myself grounded and when I wrap myself up in what I love. Which, I still do, it just seems to be going through the motions rather than ENJOYING all of that because I find what I want and if I don't have it, I am constantly thinking of ways to have it. So I'll be doing something I love, such as running, and my thoughts drift to this person. I'm pretty comfortable with saying that I have a lot of growing up to do. And I hope I have the patience for me, but I REALLY hope people can look past these faults of mine and help me on my journey. Because I don't want to push something good away. I know I'm overwhelming but it is hard for me to see, I have to have someone be direct with me. Shoo. Thank goodness for the Army and rugby and fantastic friends and family I totally don't deserve. And. I hope I can really consume myself in what I love, not who I love =)

Blame It On The Alcohol

Today was an interesting day. A day that I have been looking forward to for a few weeks now. I can't say it disappointed, because it didn't, I had fun. It is just something I am not sure I care to relive again. All week, I had been planning to get drunk at my friends 80s party and just really enjoy myself with friends that I love. Well, me being the awesome alcoholic(NOT), it didn't take much to feel like shit. 1 cup of coconut rum and fuze followed by Cocaine, the game not the drug, really did me in. Needless to say, I went and layed down on the couch, got up and proceeded to drink more and then layed down on the couch again. The 2nd time I woke up everyone was drunk it seemed. We had a dumbass do a dumbass thing but we won't get into the nitty gritty details. A whole lot of talking shit about others, which even drunk it made me mad. I am not a huge fan of two-faced people. ESPECIALLY when we are all in the Army together. You don't leave a battle out to dry or beat him down when he's not even there to defend himself. Because then, it just makes you a gossipy middle school girl. It was a lot to take in. And its definitely not my scene. Let me emphasize once again that I have no qualms with what was going on today for the most part. However, I DO feel like it made me realize I really like my boring life. I like seeing people drunk, getting tipsy enough to giggle and have a good time. I do not like feeling like shit or drunk texting or being needy. All happen when I am drunk. I hate it. They say your "true colors" show when you're drunk. I don't believe that, I think it brings out the worst in people. Well, maybe not everyone, but definitely me. Today I was overly competitive, lazy and worst of all, NEEDY. NEEDY AS HELL. All I wanted was for someone to sit on the couch with me and let me hold their hand. Ugh. To sum it all up, I wasn't proud of myself, I'm better than that. This isn't about morals and drinking, promise, its about how I hold myself to a higher standard than what I was today and I slacked because I wasn't in control of my actions like I should have been. But that game was way fun and I did do good. And darts was a very fun challenge. Made me slightly angry but thats okay. There is more on my mind. Alot more, but I choose not to disclose. Mostly because I'm not sure how to explain what I feel at the moment. So once I sort it out and can articulate things, I will be sure to vent/share.

LWRFC

This is going to be a selfish post, just warning you. For the last 2 years I have been learning rugby and playing it. I'm sure you all know this by now to say the least. I used to play for Lee University and due to what I wanted I can't play for them this semester. I have to be a full time student at Lee and I chose to do online classes through another school so that I couldn really get involved in my Army life for the time being. And its not that I regret this decision, its been a very important part of who I am, its just the circumstances really suck. My old teammates just got back from NATIONALS. Yes, NATIONALS. This is their 2nd year in the Matrix and they ended the season ranked #11 in the country. Truely an accomplishment, I won't get into the details of the hows or whys. Its disheartening to me to know that I haven't been there to give it my all. Because that team means the world to me. Our coach, how we learned, what we did as a team together. You hear frequently that you have special relationships that form when you are a part of a team. But these girls are truely a class of their own. The best team ever. Literally, EVER. I can't explain why it is but they are so incredibly different from any other group of people. It really shows that all the hard work and dedication payed off. Even though I know God has his ways and does everything for a reason, it is really hard to sit and understand why Anna and myself were not fortunate enough to be a part of such a phenominal journey. We helped build that team from the bottom up and I have no qualms about other new girls enjoying that, I just do not understand why I haven't been there to shine with them and support them. I learned so much more than rugby and I still look for what I had when I was a part of that team. So again, I know this is a selfish thought because almost all my dreams for that team has come true I just wish I could be there for it. I think its time to pick myself up and put a smile on and be proud. And leave it to God. Hard to do. But, I have to worry about what I am a part of and not what I'm missing out on. In due time, I will be blessed with exactly what I need in everyway. Thanks my girls for changing my life. I love you all more than you know =)

Breathe Easy

Have you ever noticed that no matter what happens in your life or how much you age there are certain things that never change? Well for me one of them is staying crazy busy. I feel like I need to always be learning, seeing and doing. My mind and body always have to be in motion. It is normally a great thing, but sometimes it has its downfalls. Today is my first day off since Easter and I'm not complaining because I haven't missed out on anything really but these last couple of weeks have proven to be stressful. Moving being at the top of the list. To spare the world with the sappy and lengthy story, we'll just sum it up as complete bullshit. So, FINALLY Friday night the people moving out got all of their stuff out. And just like that, about 3/4 of my stress melted away. Now today I have up since 6am motivated to get my place together! And it won't really be completely done for a few weeks but man it feels great. Aside from that which has been heavy on my mind, everything around me is the same, fun and kindda keeping me on edge. I worry that I'm not doing all I can to show those around me what they mean to me, my family and my friends. Yet, I worry that I am overwhelming to them also. Its a hard place to strike a balance. I was once told you treat people how you want to be treated and I don't mean the concept of it, I mean people LITERALLY give love in the manner how they want love to be given to them. So I love and talk and talk and talk way too much. Thats how I show my love. And give lots of hugs =)Its a very intimidating thing for me, as silly as it sounds. I love everyone, no matter what a pain in the ass they are. But for the people that I really am close with or want to further my relationship with, its hard to show that affection because I so badly want to, yet I don't want to push them away. Because not everyone is like me. When you find someone you care about you want it to be right. So I'm holding my breath and crossing my fingers yet trying to keep my balance for the sake of my sanity. Its so much fun, its almost like you feel unstoppable but given past experiences its so easy to be let down by people, intentionally or unintentionally. I am human, I want to say that past wounds have healed but if I know they can be easily open again, have they really? A question for me to take into consideration. Until I figure it out though, I have so many great things to look forward to! My sweet baby bubs will be one and I get to go and celebrate with him and my amazing and retarded family. And I'm bringing my friend Steph, maybe one or two more. I love my family so much and friends and I love seeing them interact because for me its having the best of both worlds. Very selfish, I KNOW! =( But it is fantastic to me. I have one more regular rugby match to look forward to and the 7s, which I am incredibly nervous about. I want to be a great athlete and that involves a lot of patience and dedication I worry I may not posses. These players are so experienced and I am still merely a rookie. I'm eager to further my game big time. I also get to go to Boston very soon! Its bittersweet, I have a guy from my unit who will be there the same timeframe which is really obnoxious but I need to learn patience anyways. On top of that I will really miss the people I see around here. Tons =( I am excited to experience things but for me most of the fun is who you experience them with. All this just says its time to take a step back, stop thinking so much and breathe easy. As Gabe Dixon says, "all will be well".

Everything I Need

Lately has been insanely busy. But fantastic. Today is Good Friday and no armory so its a great time to reflect, yet again.
Lets see. At this particular moment, I have cuts and scrapes and HUGE bruises all over me from the kind of rugby practice I hate the most. My body is incredibly sore but I still have so much energy and life to spare today! My apartment is an awesome disaster, all my friends are off working or back at home, my hair is a disaster and my toenails need to be painted. Despite all these things which can add up and bum you out some, even if they are worthless concerns, it is a BEAUTIFUL day outside. A fantastic spring day that I don't have to work or play rugby or travel or be go go going and run around. I am free to be. For me it seems so easy to sit and know how blessed I am. In the last few weeks I have played rugby in Savannah, suprised my grandparents in Georgia, supported on of my best friends at her BCT graduation, spent some of the best time with my mother and baby sister, went hiking at Cloudland Canyon in the pouring rain, went on an amazing walk on top of Lookout Mountain, learned so much, have had some of the best and easiest conversation with a great guy who still makes me jittery, shared Cheerwine and the Soffee outlet with some people I adore, worked at the unit with the Army's best (mostly haha) and learned BOCCE BALL wtih 2 of my favorite people. And so so SO MUCH more that I can't even remember. This lame journey of searching for happiness doesn't seem so lame anymore. Love life is really confusing but exciting and scary all at the same time right now. Work is great. Getting moving and settled between Cleveland and Chattanooga. Rugby is rough because theres not any games I can catch it seems yet its so woth it to be going to practice. But its all so so SO good. In a year I will be in Iraq so I am learning to love what I am doing and not worry so much. It seems like everything I need:living, learning and loving. =)

La Paciencia es una Virtud

I lack patience. Big time. I'm always running doing and seeing and yet I never take the time to slow down and let things simmer so maybe they can be right. Its either hot or cold. I don't like waiting. Because to me, everything should be black or white. But it can't always be. I have so much on plate and yet I want so much more. Maybe if I really focus on the present instead of trying to move on the the next stage in life I will feel satisfied.
Just some random thoughts as usual. I think I'm finally starting to see that I'm on a quest to feel content but I forget that is never fully achieved because then you are quite possibly settling. So. Here I am on a beautiful Saturday and I'm making the decision to stop waiting for the right time, to really make TODAY and NOW what I want it to be. Suggestions are welcome :)

Psht.

Dude. I have a peeve. Why is it that some people think they know what went on in a relationship and feel the need to give their two cents? ESPECIALLY when its so over and done with? I have some new rugby guy that pointed out I had a relationship with an old guy (which, this new guy has no idea how close we were, as friends) and a crush on another. He said that in response to me telling him to pretty much fuck off if he wanted to hang around my teammates just because they were cute. UGH. I think this is one of those things I won't understand because for me to be attracted to someone I have to talk with them some, get a feel for who they are. I just wouldn't stick around something I care nothing about simply because I find someone physically attractive. It makes me so incredibly...idk. But I just don't understand. And then and THEN he said I shouldn't get so defensive. I know I'm overly defensive. But I feel like people don't know what lines not to cross. Then again, unless he really knew me well I would guess he has no clue how sensitive a subject Napoleon and Brad are for me. Ugh. But still, his really close friend D knows and I KNOW if this guy knows about Napoleon and Brad he knows the ending of it and that its a place you don't go with me. Idk. I'm being mean. I just hate that reminder of them. Brad is a great friend but I don't need to be reminded that we had an awkward stage. And Napoleon. I would just simply like to erase him from my memory. In essence, I don't need some freshman to remind me of things that he knows nothing about. :( Sorry kids. Annoyed. If anyone reads this, hopefully no one catches this one! Haha. Oh well. It is what it is.

Firecracker

I have mucho to get off my chest. No idea where to begin. Oh! And its not negative, just pet peeves and some other random thoughts.
I am staying with my friend this week and it stinks, not having a way to get around. Coming home to a place that isn't yours. I can't wait to get back to my place. Not that I don't enjoy their company and what they're doing for me, its just can't completely relax because its not home. I never did do well with sleepovers.
So I've been thinking about moving to Chattanooga. Which I would love to do but I need more of a reason to. I'm praying Sergeant Silver can work her magic and get me ADSW. I really love working with her and at the unit. It feels productive I guess is the best word. And I have talking with my friend about being roommates if and when I move here. But this is my thing. She is amazing, great company but we are different and I don't think living together would be fun. I like stablility as far as what I'm doing during the day, mostly planned stuff and she is just more carefree I think when it came to house chores and guests it would become annoying. I've had roommates before and I love my me time. Coming home and its mine and I can do what I want and relax. So. I'm just not sure. We will see.
Guys. Always a popular topic. Its funny, as much as I am anti-relationship right now how much I notice other's romantic lives. Not as in I want that, as in I see them and think, "why do you want that?" I have a lot of growing up to do, I need to stop thinking that my thoughts are common sense. Because, its just not. God gives everyone different experiences at different times to teach us things. And, as much as I see someone is unhappy, maybe it just doesn't phase them. Maybe, its fine to them. I just don't want added stress. A man is supposed to bring out the best in me and vice versa. I see that most guys and people in general take my happiness for naiveness. And yea, I'm naive, just not nearly as much as people like to assume. I have substance, a lot, okay guys? And the ones who do love my giddiness are either amazing friends that have that mindset that they can set the world on fire and are happy people or they are creepy old men that think the age difference is hot and want to get in my pants. Disgusting. These are the ones that like to invade my bubble and stand way too close to me or constantly touch me, pat my leg touch my arm or something. EW. GROSS. GO AWAY.
Lets see what else?
Oh my goodness. I am SO READY FOR SUMMER. NICE WEATHER. This crappy weather really takes away from the spring in my step that I like to have. It puts a kink in my muscles, throws a fork in my mood. I'm just dying with this awful weather. Ugh.
I'm ready to kill it and be running again and sweating and playing rugby...OUTDOORS. I HATE BEING INSIDE. Aw man and I want some new clothes. Goodness. This is making me depressed just thinking about it. I'm for real going to move to Miami when I get back from deployment. I'm ready to shine. Even if it sounds silly, the weather brings out the best in me. And I'm ready to always be my best. Idk how to compromise for such a long time. Idk. Maybe I can if I get a workout room or maybe join a gym. But what about outdoors? :((((
Okay. I'm done whining. Last thing...I LOVE RUGBYYYYY!!!!!!!

Until You

Man, I hate being human sometimes dangit. Cause I hate emotions. Haha, well, sad or angry or impatient emotions. I had a really stressful day today, don't really feel like going into the details. But Wednesday, I was man because of a wrinkly shirt. Yes, a WRINKLY SHIRT! And then I went for a run today and it was cold and my knee and ankles hurt and I'm out of shape and I'm pale and get really pink. See where this is going? I am whining! Oh me. And I thought about someone who is no longer in my life and it bummed me out. There is only 2 people I have chosen to remove from my life but I can't help but look back on those 2 and think that it means I gave up on them, like I didn't have the strength to deal with them. Yet, I know that I can't have them in my life. For me, its really hard to accept that though. That you can't just be this perfect person capable of saving the world. Yet... I WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD. LITERALLY. I want to touch every person I encounter. I want to be memorable, not so that I am this legend, but so that people when they're down, they look at the times we had and know that it is NEVER the end. It's NEVER worth giving up on the world, because there is so much bad in the world but there is so much good that YOU can put in it. Being vengeful (spelling?) is never worth it nor is it never our place. Unless, its a harmless prank war :)
With that being said, I'm going to settle down for the evening and look at the bright side. So what if I'm a little left of center? :)

Sunday Night Reflections

2 random notes, my shoulder hurts insanely bad like right where it attatches to your collarbone. BAD. Weird. On another random note, this blog looks very not me, I should fix it. When I figure out how of course.
Do you ever notice that sometimes you love something but you don't do it? I wonder why that is. Clearly, I love rugby. I went to a Mid-South Association meeting today and ran into Kerry from the Chattanooga women's team. And she really wants me to come out and play with them again. And, I really want to come out and play with them again. What is holding me back? Why am I preventing myself from something that I love so much? Yes,I'm hurt, but I played last semester. Why not this one too? No, I don't know the team as well as I know my Lee girls but I'm not afraid of getting to know them. Yes, my knee I'm worried about but I've never had an injury keep me before. But, Anna isn't here. My partner in crime on the field. Am I foregoing a thrill, an adrenaline that I thrive off of because she's not here? I have no earthly clue. I love rugby. Or, maybe I love what rugby used to be. What is keeping me from hitting the pitch again? Why am I becoming so serious? So...not myself. So stressed. I hate it. Optimisim is my thing. Its what sets me apart from the crowd, my positivity. I think this last month or so has been a real whirlwind. Financial craziness, awful weather, everything is so weird and inconsistent. And the guy stresses. UGH. 2 guys trying to get with me for the wrong reasons and then one who can't even manage to be my friend. And all in all, I have felt like crap. My friend Matt put it very plainly tonight, "get rid of the drama from your life". Which, is people. Guys who want something more than friendship from me. I don't want a relationship. I don't want to even think about it. I want my family and friends. That's it. I want rugby. I want my sports. I want my army life. I WANT. Yes, I WANT. Me me me. Because you can't always play nice. You can't always be polite. People make the world a difficult place but people make the world an amazing place. I never realized how hard it is to find good people who are truely there for you. You're not really my friend if you are constantly downing me, really not wanting a friendship from me but a romantic relationship. YOU'RE NOT A FRIEND FIRST. And that's what I want. I have a friend who I still would date in a heartbeat. But, he doesn't want or need that right now, a romantic relationship. And I respect that. I will treat him no less. I still want that friend in my life. Why? BECAUSE HE'S MY FRIEND. So, tomorrow I will do what I do. Hit the rugby pitch again, do the Army thing. And be a great friend. Also, time to get back on track with God, keep that communication up, because ultimately, HE will fill me up. Nothing or no one else. So, thanks my Lord, for small miracles.

This Makes Me Really Happy :)

http://kimberlynwhitaker.blogspot.com/2010/01/never-be-so-full-of-longing-that-you.html

In the above link I stumbled across a young woman's blog, about my age. It was so good to see. Because after coming out of almost 3 years of back and forth, heartaches, tears and very shallow love I'm not looking for a guy. I have taken the stance that it need not be my focus. And by that I don't mean I'm against dating. I just mean that throughout my life I always looked for someone to chase, some guy that caught my eye and was someone I was actively pursuing. I never took that time to pause and say, "hey, how about me? Let's be true to who I am first". Not that I lost all of my identity but when you date people you lose some of it being young and dumb. You think you want to be with someone and that means sacrifices such as being there for them when maybe you just can't be, maybe you really DO have to be writing that paper you have already put of to be there for that person. Sacrifice simply means its not BK out there, so you can't have it your way, haha. Another thing I have encountered, I felt the need to be someone I'm not around that person sometimes. Not completely change who I am but if you know me, you know how naturally childish I am. Not awful like hehe, poke poke, but giggly and giddy. And I always felt the need to really be much more laid-back and serious. What I have is a gift, not something to be hidden from the world. THAT is what made me so successful when I worked at the VA, THAT'S why my patients melted my heart. Because they loved ME.
The last month or so has really been a challenge with the male species, haha. I've had 1 guy I simply was not interested in beyond friendship and we arugued, even when hanging out as friends. He made me feel like my views (pretty much exactly what was stated in the blogs) were ridiculous and absurd and unherd of. He made me feel like shit for having so many guy friends pointing out that I HAD to be romantically attracted to them in some way. When, its simply not true. Not that I don't find them attractive, its just that they aren't for me and if they are, time will tell, I'm not pursuing them by any means, we are FRIENDS. Two other guys literally just wanted to get in my pants. It was sad because one of them was someone who was a great friend and I thought he was better than that. Finally, one guy kindda caught my eye but many reasons that would prevent us from pursuing one another and then he kindda just dropped me. SO. Haha. All is fine though because it just confirms what God has been telling me and what I have been so stubbornly ignoring. That I'm not ment to be with someone right now. If I am, it will come naturally and in His will.
In the meantime, I will be me. Obsessed with sports but in love with being a girl. Yes I would love to play you in rugby, practice my combatives with you. But I will also walk around, giggling, smiling, making fun of you and standing on my tiptoes simply because its habit and it feels great to my calves. I will continue to wear dresses because to me they are perfect and still yell HOOAH because its the Army amen. I want to go Airborne like my Papa Smith but for my graduation I want to treat myself to the most awesome makeup brush set. I want to be ME. Jamie Christine Smith. The good, the bad and the ugly.
So, thank you to the author of that blog who inspired me to write this.

Jon Lester

Jon. My sweet sweet Jon Lester. Yes, I am talking about my car. I parked my car across the street from my apartment last night and went to get it tonight and it was gone. GONE. I'm not crazy, I'm not drunk and I'm not retarded. My precious car who has taken me so many places is gone. Idk what to do. Anyways. I just had to say that. Not really sure what else to say.

RUGBY

Ok. Bear with me. I have a TON to say about rugby. And I think the best way to start is by starting with where rugby and I crossed paths.
Rewind, freshman year of college at Lee University Fall 2006. I had just wrapped up 7 years of softball and was starting at a school that I didn't even really choose to go to so I wasn't the most motivated girl. Happy, but not excited. Long story short, I had been commited to another school back home and when visiting my Nannie over the summer was persuaded to go to Lee because my cousin had attended. So back to the story, I had just wrapped up 7 years of softball which had consumed my years, Fall Ball, winter conditioning, spring school ball and summer recreational ball. I loved every second of it even though maybe I wasn't always happy with our overall success betweeen the teams I played with. When I graduated high school I commited to ECU, a big school in NC. I didn't try and play ball anywhere mostly because my peers were going to huge schools and if they were playing a sport it was at a huge school. So, being dumb and naive, I didn't think it was really an option, when looking back, I probably could have played at a smaller school.

I came to Lee and immediately jumped into intramural sports. EVERY intramural sport. Softball, flag football, volleyball, basketball, indoor and outdoor soccer. And honestly, none were very much fun. The rosters were always changing and we never had that "team" aspect of it quite like I was used to. Softball, though, evolved into an elite team from a scrappy dorm team, we all had talent and continuously played together. So in the spring of 2007 I decided that I wanted to play for Lee University, softball.

The tryouts came and went and I was invited to practice with them. I went to one practice and the coach said, "hustle up!" and the girls kind of picked up their walk to a speedy trot. Now, I know this sounds crazy but when the coach said that one thing and the girls just blew it off, it said so much to me. This isn't what I wanted to be a part of, I wanted a team with heart, no matter how talented or awful they were. So I kindly refused the coach's offer to travel with them occasionally playing. After that, I was thouroughly frustrated. I had really prayed and asked for God's direction in this matter and I didn't like the "no" I was getting from him. So I just questioned where I needed to invest my time and energy other than school.
In Fall 2007 one of the girls that coached our softball team,Amber Ferguson, BEGGED me to come to the rugby meeting with her as well as several other of the softball girls I played with. Reluctantly, I went and when we went around the room and mentioned practices and other things when the coach asked if I was willing to make that commitment I said, "Softball comes first. No matter what". He replied, "Well, that may mean you lose your starting position, IF you earn one". I agreed and that was that. And, it felt like a challenge. It was the infamous Chad Richmond who spoke those words to me.

Practiced started, it was fun, having a commited team, but I hated the sport. I didn't understand the game, I hated that I couldn't just pick up and play, I didn't want to tackle, it was AWFUL. So everyday I considered quiting and my great friend Kimberly Smith encouraged me to stick with her and stick with it. One day at practice we were playing touch and I literally hiked the ball, quickly recieved it again ran hard and straight and popped it off to Ashley Freeborn (a teammate who played EVERY sport with me). She was playing wing. No one was there to defend her and she ran to the end of the field and we had our first try. I was hooked. All 6 of the coaches immediately lost their minds. Chad Richmond, Troy Richmond, Scott Marlow, Andrew Tobey, Napoleon Cummings and Jeremy Blanchard were going insane. And all I heard was Chad yell, "THAT'S RUGBY!!!!!" To this day its still probably one of my best rugby memories.

After a few weeks of practicing we quickly discovered that there was a lot of technicalities to starting a team. We had begun practicing on an awful lumpy field called Carol Courts over by the Lee married housing and we weren't even allowed to do that on Lee campus without having each girl sign a waiver. With that, amoung many other things, Kevin Hudson the campus recreation director ended practices. Quickly, the boys called a meeting directing us on the next steps we needed to take. They made it very clear that while they supported us and wanted us to succeed, we had to put forth effort and make this possibility a reality. So, we were told we needed signatures. That night, we set out on a mission. Cheesy, I know but we were SO PUMPED to make this happen. We went to every single building on Lee's campus and honestly probably had AT LEAST 40% of Lee students sign a petition saying they supported having a women's rugby team. The next day we were in the dining hall at the door. And out of all the days, TODAY was the day that Paul Conn walked in. He signed, along with many other staff and falculty, and we considered the petition a sucess from then on out. With the right paperwork in line, we needed to have commited girls as well as officers, practices and matches set up. We held our first elections on the 3rd floor of the PCSU and finally had some leaders. Christina Fullerton (Smitty) and Katie Ayres were our chaplains,Natalie Scott was treasurer, I was secretary, Mamie Murphy was VP and Bekah Ladd was our first president. It was a VERY exciting day for us. The boys jumped right back in and continued to direct us and encourage us on. They always made it a point to say the wanted COMMITTED girls, girls who were good reflections of rugby and Lee. So as we were in the process of getting practices and matches authorized and schedule, we found other ways to bond and come together. We had socials, meetings and even dressed up for chapel and sat together with the boys. The most important piece, however, came at the suggestion of the boys. They told us to better understand it coming out to some of their practices and definitely catching the games would really be beneficial. We became devoted fans of the boys.

At first it was mass confusion so we ended up laughing more with one another than actually grasping what was going on at practices. As the games started up though, it really came together. There was something about those sunny rugby Saturdays in the spring that really made for great memories and pictures. As the boys progressed into their Matrix season and we became regular fixtures at their events the boys and us really got a lot of attention. The home matches became a huge success, many people there to cheer them on and many of us explaining rugby to the ones who didn't understand. The boys head coach (Coach Guy) invited us to travel with them to away matches. When they had the room, he even allowed us to ride the bus. But when they didn't, we made it a point to drive to their games.

FINALLY we got approval to practice. Our practices began and we were all in it, 100%.
The boys falculty sponser even offered to attend some practices and help direct us. His name was Dr. Michael Freake and he had an awesome accent that was unforgettable. By the end of the semester, we had our first match ever scheduled. And it was against Emory. They came to Lee University on one the most beautiful Saturdays I can remember. But, maybe thats just given the context surrounding the day :)I remember watching that game and being so incredibly excited the WHOLE TIME. I couldn't play because of a knee injury that I had gotten from softball earlier in the week, of course, just my luck. It was the ugliest game after watching the boys play so much but it didn't matter the least bit because it was US playing. Lee University Women's Rugby Football Club. LWRFC. Neither team was very advanced but some how we managed to absolutely murder Emory. The sir blew his whistle to end the game and our team looked like a bunch of girls who just met the Jonas Brothers. Everything we worked so hard for finally paid off. We shook hands and went on our way, despite the grumpy Emory girls who told Dr. Freake, who had been the sir for the game, that we were "making racist statements" and being "overly aggressive". Haha. They haven't used that one since and they still have yet to beat us.

After the Emory match came the VA Tech tournament. No THE VIRGINIA TECH TOURNAMENT. We traveled 4 or 5 hours to a cold, damp Virginia to play in a prom dress tournament. The match schedule put us against huge schools with lots of talent and experience. Virginia Tech and Appalachian State University. We found a church who was willing to let us stay for free in a trailor they normally used to visiting guests. So one bed, one shower and 15 or so girls made for an interesting weekend. We had a broken van window, 3 concussions, 80+ points scored on us, unspeakable amounts of pain and a Dr. Freake who probably never wanted to see us again. We bombed that tournament. And did an excellent job at it. We almost ALMOST scored a try once, it was so exciting that even the opposing team cheered as Mamie ran down the field. Unfortunately, she was stopped by the biggest girl ever and was literally on her back on the girls belly kicking trying to place the ball to the ground. Hilarious. Not to mention our referee was drunk and high. I kid you not, he literally said in front of Natalie and I right before kickoff, "I never used to bring weed on the pitch until I found out you can mix it with dip". And he put some in his mouth. At the end of the 2nd half of the last match of the day he said, "Guys, I'm gonna start calling some crazy shit out there, so just go with it!" And OH HE DID. We would knock the ball, put hands in the ruck, you name it and all I ever heard was, "PLAY ON!!!!!!!!" Later that night we went to a bar for a social and experinced the most debauchery that LWRFC probably to this day even, has ever experienced. Lesbian and bisexuals, all but 1. Drunk, high, horny and absolutely out of control. It was all hilarious. They absolutely loved us though. Dr. Freake probably wanted to just shrivel up and die but he was so so SO patient with us and really lead by example. So after was all said and done we finally dragged our happy butts back home to Tennessee. Oh and one more thing, the sir from the match won Prom QUEEN.

Our first semester of rugby wrapped up and Fall 2008 was here before we knew it. Somehow, even after the VA Tech tournament, we managed to con Dr. Freake into being our coach. Even after he so adamantly told us not to call him coach prior to, now he had no choice. We traveled to Tennesse Tech and watched the boys play in a tournament. I think what I got out of that even more than the game of rugby was the brotherhood the guys had formed. Well, that and their obsession for Brad Pitt, particularly Jason Shrable's. Haha! They really showed us that we should stick together and continue on such an amazing tradition that they had started. We played several games that semester and had a heart-breaking injury. Our new president, Natalie Scott was out not just for the season but for the rest of her rugby career. Now we had even more drive to succeed. To do it for Natalie, who loved the sport so much and couldn't be out there to play alongside us. We had a fairly successful season, mostly coming together as a team and recruiting new girls really is what that season was about. That, and the logistics of the club. We still had debt to pay off from the previous team at Lee who disbanded shortly after their first season.
Miraculously, we paid off all our debt to the Matrix and prepared for our big entrance into the Matrix.

Spring 2008 is when we really set ourselves apart from the boys. We did service projects, held socials, traveled and overall didn't have as much time to offer as much support to the boys as we would have liked. But they still cheered us on when they could and offered their time at many practices. By the end of the first Matrix season we finished about half our games one and half lost. The great news was though is that we had an awesome season, several games were very close, we had a rilvalry (MTSU) and TONS of support and attention drawn to our team. And in the midst of it all our focus continued to be the same thing, draw girls in and show them this team was about heart. One girl in particular really kept my vision of the team alive. Emily Clausnitzer. She was a petite and quite Asian girl who came to a practice in the fall and then stopped coming. After a lot of harrassing though, we earned her back. Emily never saw a ton of playing time but she ALWAYS LOVED being a part of the team, learning the sport. The boys carried themselves to a fantastic season that year, they made it all the way to the sweet 16 and I couldn't have been more estatic for them. I went to basic training on March 25th, 2009 so I recieved letters from Brad telling me about the amazing season they had. It was good to know that both teams were still going strong in the midst of all the confusion I was experiencing.]

Fall 2009.
Fall 2009 was THE season that turned our team around. We recruited many new girls and worked harder than ever to fulfill our rugby dreams. We had SO MANY GIRLS come and join. We even recruited several with some experience which was a huge feat for a program barely a two years old. One of them even was on the national team! Another successful season ended with the typical issues, teaching a group of girls new to the game how to mesh together on the pitch. But that took a backseat to the real success of our team, we were a family. We officially had the ability to bring girls in and KEEP them. They loved being a part of the team despite the work it took at times. Another major accomplishment was we officially got word that we were going to have a home field, over at Carol Courts where it all started. With all the support we showed and a lot of push from Coach Guy, Lee University was going to transform our original practice field into OUR RUGBY PITCH. On top of that, rugby was now a class in which we could recive college credits for taking. We had 7 girls also make the Mid-South All-Star team and play in an All-South tournament.

Spring 2010. This semester. 2 games into the season and 2 big wins. Against Auburn University and MTSU!!!!!! We FINALLY beat MTSU after games that they would win in literally the last 5 minutes. I couldn't be prouder. Even though I have yet to catch a game, I went to one practice and it was so apparent to me that if we have imagined our team 2 years ago, none of us would have fathomed such a fantastic group of girls and the perfect coach to lead us to victory. We're OFFICIALLY on the map!

Its the best feeling in the world watching this team grow, taking our own paths and yet still somehow coming back to the same mission, a team that stands the test of time. Granted, 2 years is a short amount of time but we accomplished more in 2 years than teams who have been around for 10 years have. My hopes for the teams is that both of us become college sports in which Lee will sponser. That is the ultimate goal I'm sure for many of us "old girls/guys". We have an excellent group of college students ready to carry on tradition and bring in some new ones. But no matter what, this is something that taught me so much more than rugby. I can't wait to come back and play in an alumni match. Thank y'all so much for the best years of my life. It's always going to hold a special memory in my heart. Chi Rho, Lee Rugby :)
*Zee was also a chaplain way back when we started, my B.

BUCKET LIST

Okay. There are many MANY things I want to do, see and experience in my life time. God-willing he gives me enough time. Please? Anywho. I had a bucket list I made my freshman year of college. No idea where it went though so I'm going to go ahead and put these down while I remember and add to it. SO, this isn't probably all of it.

1. Buy and restore an old victorian-era home, mostly doing the work myself.
2. GO TO FENWAY AND WATCH THE RED SOX PLAY THE YANKEES!(Done! Kindda, not the Yankees, yet)
3. See a game at Wrigley Field.
4. Meet THE Jon Lester and get his picture and autograph.
5. Go back to where I was born (Anchorage, Alaska) and see all that I can.
6. Catch a Boston Bruins game.
7. See the Celtics play.
8. Watch a Carolina/Duke game at the Dean Smith center. (CAROLINA PLEASE WIN FOR GOD'S SAKE!)
9. See a Tennessee/Georgia game where Georgia freakin wins.
10. Reupholster a chair.
11. Build a piece of furniture and put the finishing touches on it.
12. Have a library in one of my homes.
13. Coach a kids team in some sport.
14. Work at a VA hospital and do all I can for the veterans who reside there. (DONE!)
15. Learn to paint.
16. Make the USA Rugby Mid-South All-Star team. (DONE!)
17. Make the USA Rugby All-South team.
18. Go Airborne like my sweet Papa man.
19. Tour the White House.
20. Tour the Capitol Building (DONE!)
21. Learn Yoga or Pilates.
22. Train for and complete a marathon.
23. Run a race and place in the top 10.
24. Learn to ski (DONE!)
25. Learn to snowboard.
26. Do a ski race with 25+ people (DONE! 2nd place!)
27. Go on a blind date. - Been to hesitant to do this :(
28. Go skinny-dipping.
29. Go for a run on the beach and watch the sun rise.
30. Get an autographed piece of Shea Hillenbrand memoriabilia
31. Go to the baseball hall of fame.
32. Visit New Orleans during Mardi Gras.
33. Watch an Alabama football game. Roll Tide Rolllllll!
34. Learn a new sport and play it. (DONE!)
35. Live on my own, by myself, no roommates. (DONE!)
36. Make Thanksgiving dinner for my family, ALL OF THEM.
37. Take my Daddy and baby brother to see Georgia play.
38. Contribute to my siblings college. (DONE!)
39. Start a savings account for my siblings.
40. Take my brother Corey to see the Sox play.
41. Do something amazing (not sure what yet) for my Papa Smith to thank him for serving in WWII.
42. Go clubbing...and DANCE. Haha.
43. See the Sox win a World Series Championship. (DONE!)
44. Throw a suprise party for someone. (DONE!)
45. Go skydiving.
46. Shoot expert.
47. Max my APFT. (Almost, gotta get my run time down and that's it!)
48. Write a book.
49. Star in a play. (DONE!)
50. Get an award that reflects my heart, not just my skills. (DONE!)
51. Go wine tasting.
52. Make my own wine.
53. Drink a Sam Adams in Boston at a bar while watching a game.
54. Brew my own beer.
55. Venture down the Autobahn. (DONE!)
56. LEARN TO GOLF FOR REAL. Geesh.
57. Learn to surf.
58. Learn to waterski. (DONE!)
59. Learn to sail.
60. HOLD A SNAKE. (I seriously don't know if I can do this one...)
61. Hold a tarantula.
62. Become fluent in Spanish.
63. Go to a Spanish club and dance my heart out. (DONE!)
64. Learn to play poker. (DONE! Thanks Scottie!)
65. Go deepsea fishing. And catch something!
66. Camp on the beach.
67. Raise a dog and name it Beckett.
68. Ride a motorcycle.
69. See some of the places my Papa did when he was fighting in WWII.
70. Go on a ghost hunt. (DONE!)
71. Leave flowers on a grave.
72. Go on a missions trip in Central or Sought America.
73. Get a full spa treatment.
74. Have a white Christmas.
75. Ring in the New Year in a foreign country. (DONE!)
76. Finish school.
77. Ski in the Alps. (DONE!)
78. Watch the sunrise with people I love.
79. Watch the sunset with the man I love.
80. Go on a ghost tour.
81. Drive across the country stopping at the random, UFO-loving, Mom and Pop places along the way.
82. Be in Times Square when the ball drops one New Year's Eve.
83. See a Broadway show.
84. See a ballet performance and dress up for it.
85. Go on one of those dumb, insanely scary bungee jump things.
86. Go scuba diving.
87. Visit all 50 states.
88. Trace my ancestors.
89. Enter a sand castle building contest. (DONE!)
90. Win an essay contest. (DONE!)
91. Learn to Salsa.
92. Learn ballroom dancing, for my wedding day.
93. Meet a guy named Stephen and sing him "Hey Stephen"!

Wa Wa (The Charlie Brown sound) :D

Okay. So forgive me. I'm going to whine some. I KNOW I'm young. I KNOW I'm ONLY 21. I KNOW I have a lot to learn. I KNOW I have growing up to do. I KNOW I have a child-like demeanor. I KNOW. So. This is my thing. If I know all of this and accept it, why does it strike such a nerve with me when people say it? Most of the time, people who i have just met or people who don't know me very well. i just look around and it seeems that the people I encounter and point out my lack of years of living either 1)Hold it against me or 2) make it their sole reason for talking to me, (example: creepy old men who think because I'm friendly that automatically means I want them bad. Or better yet, I want to see their tattoos. NO.)
So I guess I already know the answer to my dilemma. Be who you are, don't let people discourage you. But its like I have to work twice as hard to get people's approval and/or respect because I'm happy. I just see no reason to really sweat something that is over me. I mean, the Bible says to cast all your cares on the Lord because HE cares for you. And it deliberatley tells us, as humans, not to worry. Not that that is always achievable but I have come to learn over the past few years that it is a sign of faith, letting God handle business. Don't get it twisted, i'm not saying be a bum cause Jesus has got you. What I'm SAYING is you do what you're capable of, always be pushing yourself. Go BEYOND what people think is possible or deem you capable of, but let God handle your stress. Say a prayer, "Father, I know I jacked up, I am aware that I have fallen yet again. But my heveanly Father, I give this to you, you knew I would fall and for good reasons I did. You are working in me through this mistake". And then, pick your happy butt up and move on. Carry yourself with the highest regards, but never put yourself above anyone. Because as you have been blessed with power, you can be cursed with failure.
So yes. I am happy. Overly excitable. Naive. Stubborn. I AM. I KNOW. But, I'm okay with that. Because even though it kindda knocks the wind out of me, it gives me all the more the reason to prove someone wrong. Show them I am so much more than they think. All that matters is that I am SO READY to really learn and listen. i have my reservations, but it doesn't mean I will be narrow-minded. YO SOY.

HOOAH

Okay, so after writing my first letter to one of my best friends going through basic, I am having QUITE the hooah moment. So I am going to get it out of my system! Haha. Its so crazy to think that just a year ago I was signed up and preparing to go to basic at Fort Jackson. I'm being such a sap right now, because all of this is just overwhelming and brings tears to my eyes! Like happy tears! In training I think a lot of things stick with you that are said because everything around you seems to be so unstable. So, one of the things said by Drill Sergeant Pabon was this,

"SOLIDERS, you think its bad now but you are in one of the safest environments right now. When you go down range, all you have is you and your battle buddies. You're fighting for the world's best army solider".

Its amazing, the evolution we go through as a person but these last 3 years have been absolutely insane. Particularly this last one. When I signed my contract I made sure I had so many things for security purposes. College first in particular. Which basically says that as long as I'm a full time college student for the first 2 years, I'm non-deployable. Now it seems like such a hassle! I have to write a letter to our Company Commander asking to let me give it up and deploy with my unit. Isn't it dumb to think I have to ask permission to do what I deem as the obvious, RIGHT thing? Basic training sucked, because I didn't have those Drill Sergeants that at the end are joking with you and taking pictures with you. They were the best, top of the line though. Seriously. I hated living with a bunch of crazy girls too, haha. AIT was amazing, I had the best cadre and they were an excellent example of the "real" army. That line of respect, but room to have a great time. Now, at my unit, it makes me feel like a kid for real to know how happy I am to be a part of that family.
We will be deploying end of this year to go down range and I am SO EXCITED. These next 2 years with my unit will be one of the best things ever. I'm going to revise my bucket list and make an "Army" section. I shall post it, eventually. Haha. I guess I'm going to get off here even though my stomach is like jumping from excitement. I literally want to run around in circles. I get this way a lot when I'm excited/happy. I think I have issues. Hahaha. I'm going to sum this up with my favorite quote from my beloved Red Sox pitcher, Pedro Martinez.

"I know I achieved a lot, and I know I have my little share of respect, but when you talk about playoffs, there is no time to be mad, there is no time to complain, there is no soreness that you can't overcome. I am going to leave my heart out there for my team."
--Pedro Martinez

Apply this to anything you do with people you care about, family, teammates, coworkers or if you're blessed like me, with your battle buddies. :)

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!

Try It

Well, after much thought (okay, maybe not THAT much thought), I decided to give this blogging thingy doo dah a shot. So, I don't really have a structure or idea of how or when I want to do this but that's half the fun, figuring it out. So, here goes nothing.