http://kimberlynwhitaker.blogspot.com/2010/01/never-be-so-full-of-longing-that-you.html
In the above link I stumbled across a young woman's blog, about my age. It was so good to see. Because after coming out of almost 3 years of back and forth, heartaches, tears and very shallow love I'm not looking for a guy. I have taken the stance that it need not be my focus. And by that I don't mean I'm against dating. I just mean that throughout my life I always looked for someone to chase, some guy that caught my eye and was someone I was actively pursuing. I never took that time to pause and say, "hey, how about me? Let's be true to who I am first". Not that I lost all of my identity but when you date people you lose some of it being young and dumb. You think you want to be with someone and that means sacrifices such as being there for them when maybe you just can't be, maybe you really DO have to be writing that paper you have already put of to be there for that person. Sacrifice simply means its not BK out there, so you can't have it your way, haha. Another thing I have encountered, I felt the need to be someone I'm not around that person sometimes. Not completely change who I am but if you know me, you know how naturally childish I am. Not awful like hehe, poke poke, but giggly and giddy. And I always felt the need to really be much more laid-back and serious. What I have is a gift, not something to be hidden from the world. THAT is what made me so successful when I worked at the VA, THAT'S why my patients melted my heart. Because they loved ME.
The last month or so has really been a challenge with the male species, haha. I've had 1 guy I simply was not interested in beyond friendship and we arugued, even when hanging out as friends. He made me feel like my views (pretty much exactly what was stated in the blogs) were ridiculous and absurd and unherd of. He made me feel like shit for having so many guy friends pointing out that I HAD to be romantically attracted to them in some way. When, its simply not true. Not that I don't find them attractive, its just that they aren't for me and if they are, time will tell, I'm not pursuing them by any means, we are FRIENDS. Two other guys literally just wanted to get in my pants. It was sad because one of them was someone who was a great friend and I thought he was better than that. Finally, one guy kindda caught my eye but many reasons that would prevent us from pursuing one another and then he kindda just dropped me. SO. Haha. All is fine though because it just confirms what God has been telling me and what I have been so stubbornly ignoring. That I'm not ment to be with someone right now. If I am, it will come naturally and in His will.
In the meantime, I will be me. Obsessed with sports but in love with being a girl. Yes I would love to play you in rugby, practice my combatives with you. But I will also walk around, giggling, smiling, making fun of you and standing on my tiptoes simply because its habit and it feels great to my calves. I will continue to wear dresses because to me they are perfect and still yell HOOAH because its the Army amen. I want to go Airborne like my Papa Smith but for my graduation I want to treat myself to the most awesome makeup brush set. I want to be ME. Jamie Christine Smith. The good, the bad and the ugly.
So, thank you to the author of that blog who inspired me to write this.
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