Counting to 100

I feel like this is becoming more of a venting/sounding board than a blog. I am soooo trying to avoid that. I have just been so incredibly frustrated with being here. Its not even being here, its just not having "me" time. And so many people feel the need to flex their muscles and others just keep being shitbags. Those people who got "demoted" all go their rank back. Which, means they never really got demoted. The deal was that if they behaved, they got to have it back after a probationary period. Which, you can do for E4 and below but not for E5 and above. We have an officer whose career is ruined because he has a letter of reprimand for staying at a hotel with his wife and kids at mob site. While, we have another group of 5 or so soldiers who took a government vehicle, got drunk, got tattoos in one of the most dangerous cities in America and didn't loose a penny over it. I wish I WISH I have standards low enough to get in some kind of nonsense and I would DARE them to say something to me about it. Absolutely DARE them to. How is that setting any kind of example to the rest of the brigade? HOW?! How can you tell someone to behave for 2 months and they get to keep what they have? What kind of punishment is that? Because I, as well as MANY others, do the right thing. Granted, we all do silly things, but not anything that holds a candle to this. I'm not gaining anything or losing anything by doing what I'm supposed to. But these people fuck up and are told to do what the rest of us do all the damn time??? And that officer's career is finished because he was staying with his wife. Not that I condone that, but REALLY?! The second situation is the soldier of the month board. I hated it. I HATED it. I went because I was begged to go by my immediate supervisor and as much as I didn't want to do it, I thought I could take away something from this. So, we go to the board and honestly most of them were awful soldiers. As in, lazy, incompetent, stupid soldiers. All but maybe 2. One, we'll call him J, did amazing. I mean, the guy looked great, had no nerves, had done a board before, had notecards, GREAT PT and really good recommendations from his section leader. Never gets in trouble, just great. He does what he is supposed to without being told. And, he didn't miss any board questions. Well, I did okay, I got really good reviews but I had 3 days to prepare and I just wasn't where I wanted to be. Nonetheless, I was happy for J, I figured he'd have good competition if I were on my A game and I so wasn't. It happens though, I overcame that fear of doing that damn board. And man, it was bad. Anyways, we go to the announcement for it and this guy we'll call B won. HE HAS BEEN A SPC4 FOR 5 YEARS!!!! A HEIGHT/WEIGHT PT FAILURE!!! And he's lazy. Didn't do the best on the board either! I KNOW he didn't. I have evidence, but he won. So, even though I thought about and considered doing another one (because I figured I'd lost), there is no way IN HELL I am doing another one within this Brigade. What does it say if you reward, award, recognize and don't punish your soldiers as needed? J was so so so screwed. Why would I want to be recognized by this Brigade? WHY?! God I hate this Brigade. Now on the flip side of all of this. I spoke with my dear friend about all of this. And he pointed out that I was letting others control me and I was worried about everyone else. And I will SO give him that. Its not worth my worry, its out of my hands. But. BUT. It does send a message to me and I make no apologizes for having a fully-functioning moral compass. None whatsoever. I wish I could just let it roll off my back, it eventually will. But this brigade has lost a damn good soldier. I will continue to do what I'm supposed to, because its the right thing to do and anything less would compromise my values. But I refuse to strive for more because then it becomes 1) expected of you 2) the "standard" and 3) No one sees that its more than what 90% of the fucking world does. It is absolutely infuriating! I can not believe that I put my dreams on hold to be a joke of a deployment with this incredibly ass backwards unit. Shoo. I am sooooo sorry y'all. This is all just killing me. It has absolutely made me so so upset with what I decided to be a part of. I like to be whole-hearted in what I do and I can't do that with something I feel is so wrong. Every unit has problems, every single one does, but its the Army values that should stand, you do what's right and when its not, you fix it. And we don't. So sad. Gosh I wish I could be oblivious to all of this.

Anyways, lets move on to the happier things. Softball has been okay, not the best, but just getting out there and dying for 3 hours in the sun on Sunday really makes me happy. Haha. I'm going to start ditching this whole battle buddy idea too because no one will freaking go run with me and I need it bad, because I'm going to bed absolutely wound at night and I'm not sleeping well. I really like playing with guys, the other teams don't have many girls and needless to say, they are shocked to find out a girl can play softball. They're so stupid, I played fastpitch for over 10 years, my God of course I can play. I love the pressure of the games too, the other night there were 2 outs, we were down by 1 run with a guy on 2nd and I had to bat. I took 2 balls, a strike, I fouled it, then took a walk. It made me missssss softball. I felt no pressure until I fouled it and then I just payed attention. Earlier in the game I had a great hit, my hitting is on point thank goodness. I need to get comfortable with diving for the ball again but these fields are all dirt and rocks, not good stuff. I am soooooo excited for R&R. Looks like the Dominican Republic is my trip =) But, the dates for the missions trip doesn't line up with my leave dates completely so I'll have to cut it short =( I am just so incredibly excited to get to see all of this medical stuff and really care for people who need this stuff so bad. I can't think of anything more rewarding than being around grateful people. It is going to be a huge learning experience for me too. And I get to practice my spanishhhhhh!!!! And be around obsessive, silly Dominicans who love baseball probably. So excited for it =) I don't have much else to say. Just sick of the sand and no alone time. Ooooo I miss my cute little house and clothes and family too. I've been having some bad dreams =( But, I know that being back in Chattanooga would have me so sad. I couldn't imagine not being here with all of these fucktards. I just have to hold my head up and take away lots from the stupidity. Love you guys, thanks for listening =)