I've Never Gone With The Wind

So I've been thinking. Scary, I know right?! I've never been much of a loner. I like people, no I LOVE people. But here lately, I've noticed that I'm not quite the social butterfly I'm used to being. So of the people who I have split my ways from on this deployment, well, it really surprised me. I don't know if I expect too much out of people or I have mixed interpretations on where you draw the line on a friendship, but it seems hard to put my finger on. I consider most people my friend, at least an acquaintance to me. I don't tend to choose enemies, because honestly, it scares me, the idea of someone hating you. You never know what a psycho someone is until you're on their "list". And, not to mention, I just don't enjoy the drama of having an enemy to avoid, etc. It puts a real kink in my plans. Anyways, I can count at least 5 people whom I used to smile and say hey to and now, in passing, I immediately look away and try to get out of the vicinity of that person. Its heartbreaking. But this is the thing, the things that happened between me and these people, they aren't something that I'll apologize for, because I know I did the right thing. Its not a questionable thing in my mind, example: one of the people (while this was all in good humor) continuously picked on a group of soldiers. It really and I mean REALLY started getting out of control so I stepped in and explained to this individual that while he may not have bad intentions with what he was doing, he was really affecting the moral of these soldiers. That is the lightest way I know how to put it. Think of it this way, a person has a deformity and there's nothing this person can do about it except for laugh about it. So they do, well, this other individual, the antagonizer, keeps picking on the person until it becomes something they are hurt by. I know that this is the newer and "softer" Army, but thats just unnecessary harassment. The individual is gaining nothing by picking on that person and its not doing any character building for that person being picked on. Anyways, after approaching the person doing all of the antagonizing, he basically told me he would no longer speak to me because he had to watch out for himself and people like me took his jokes the wrong way. I am so the last person to get offended by harmless joking, but really guy? Where do you draw the line? So childish event #1. All of the others are extremely similar situations. Were they worth losing a friend over? No. But are these people really my friends and/or leaders if they lose their loyalties when I take a stand for what is right? Absolutely not. I can agree to disagree. Its a problem easy to solve, "okay you're too sensitive over the situation so I'll just not speak about it with you" and/or "I'll drop it, lets agree to disagree." Another morning I sat down to have breakfast with one of my friends, or so I thought, and immediately he left without so much as saying a word. To this day, I do not know what I did. So, its sad for me. I know many people have those people they just don't speak to, its nothing personal, they just don't talk and I honestly have never felt what thats like. Its very sad, I have to say. But I'm not going to apologize for something I did and know it wasn't wrong. If I get angry with someone and do something thats unbecoming of me as a person, I will be the first to apologize. Heck, I did it with Shelby a week ago! But it saddens me to see the real side of people. Out for themselves and to kiss ass.

Softball was also extremely frustrating and I'm considering quitting. I really don't want to for several reasons though 1)What am I gaining? Yes, I lose the stress of how fucked up the team is run but I also lose that time to look forward to it. 2) I want to get better and quitting won't do that. 3) I'm not a quitter and I don't want to say with my actions that I'm not a team player, because I am. I SO AM. 4) I know there is one person waiting, DYING for me to quit and I do not want to prove him right. 5) If I quit, Frame will too. I know he will and thats not fair to the team and its definitely not to Frame. I just feel really picked on by the coach. And, I don't mind being picked on, when its in good fun. But I definitely feel singled out. Example, we have a team bag with a ton of shit in it we don't use, about 10 bats, catcher's equipment, balls and gloves. Out of that, we use about 5 yellow balls, 3 or 4 gloves and 1 bat. Well, its in the female barracks. The coach has not taken responsibility for this bag and has not told me to do anything with this bag. So, I normally carry Frame's bag, which contains 4 gloves, 4 balls and 2 bats that majority of the team uses. Today, when I go to leave, I see the team bag. And even though there are 4 other females in this barracks that play and could easily carry this bag, I grab 5 gloves and stuff it into Frame's bag, because thats all it can hold. Balls are provided at the game and they can suck it up and use these two bats for tonight's game. And I have no idea what bats to grab. I walk the mile and a half to the field and I'm there early, warming up. I hear, "JAMIE SMITH WHERE IS THE BAG?!" Yelled at me, in front of a good 20-30 people and I turn around and its our coach. Ooooo I got mad. And I let him have it. I said something along the lines of, "I brought gloves for everyone, we have balls to use for the game and we have Frame's bats. I'm not the only girl in that barracks, the bag is not my sole responsibility and I'm not carrying it a mile and a half down here." Our assistant coach piped in, "a good coach would ensure that his players have what they needed and a way to get it to them." Kindda a low blow, but hell, anything I say is thrown to the wind, no matter how right it may be. We play, we loose, I'm mad, I'm leaving and the same coach comes up to me and goes, "JAMIE. Go ahead, let it out, tell me what you've been telling everyone else." At that point, I'm mad about the game and this guy is a raging lunatic. I tell him I have nothing to say and he gets in my face and tells me that I "ignored him" that I "deliberately didn't high five him" that I "darted my eyes at him". Omg y'all, he sounded like a girl and I really had no idea what he was talking about. We were giving high fives, like good little sportsmen, and when we snaked the line the opposite direction, the first 3 people in front of me didn't continue to high five so neither did I. But of course this coach didn't realize the other 3 players in front of me did that, only I didn't do the right thing and only I had the bad attitude. My God I can't believe I'm explaining this. Long story short, I told him none of it was personal, I wasn't happy with how we played and I felt like I was wasting my time by showing up. I haven't missed a damn practice and yet 4 people who haven't practiced EVER played, no STARTED tonight. Yea, I think its bullshit. And it is a waste of my time as far as being "dedicated" to show that I'm a "team player". But, what else would I be doing? Really? I get some enjoyment of analyzing the game, seeing where our weaknesses are, pointing them out to Frame and being right about it. Not because I enjoy seeing us fail, but I am glad that it just proves this coach is an idiot and refuses to listen to me for whatever reason. We lost to a team tonight that hadn't won a game, how awesome are we?! God I'm such a sourpuss. But, for whatever reason, I will always be a girl with a bad, no AWFUL attitude in this guy's eyes. Which, assumptions get passed to others also and automatically thats my persona with others who don't even know me. So the story goes. Its really not a big deal, but this is a place where these guys ought to be guiding me and teaching me to be a good NCO, not writing me off over some damn softball game. Maybe thats the problem the guard has, if we kept that "NCO guiding a soldier" mentality during off hours, us lower enlisted could take away a lot more. But no, its a pissing contest. I am not your equal, do not treat me as such. Don't talk down to me, because thats disrespectful, but be a man, tell me what I'm doing so I can fix it. Holy shit guy, I can't help you if you don't help me! Ah. So, thats my softball blurb. What to do? Its a damn game but it IS my release, ya know? I am up way too late, I will say this much. And, I'm glad that even though it seems that most of these people aren't even a half decent acquaintance, I know some of these old school guys are here to guide and lead me and that my friends really are just that, loyal friends. And the only thing I can do is rise above the rest and do whats right for me and to make those who believe in me proud. Kuwait drama. My God if we had something to really do, maybe people wouldn't be out on the prowl looking for something to piss about. That and it seems everyone is grumpy and needs to get laid. I keep in prospective what I'm here for, the experience and the personal development. Maybe I'm digressing, but MAYBE it will fall into place. I hope I can sleep soon! Ah! Goodnight world =)