Wasn't It Beautiful When You Believed In Everything

Today I haven't felt very good, physically. Its been weird. Alternating between headaches and stomachaches. I think its just my body being retarded and reacting to stress. That and I'm sick of this DFAC food. Its not very fresh and I just don't feel as good. Funny how you notice stuff like that. Another reason why its uber important that I find other ways to keep myself up, helps combat stress. Today was okay, just another day I suppose. I did get a lot of exercising done though. And I can soooo tell I'm going to crash. My pushups and situps have been pitiful but I'm still working on them. We had softball for about 40 minutes. I want to quit so bad! If it weren't for the fact that I'd be a "quitter" and if I didn't love softball so stinkin much, I would have walked a while ago I think. It just gives me something to do. Back to the point. Okay, so we haven't practiced in 2 weeks. Currently, we're 2-2, tied for 2nd to last place out of 5 or 6 teams. Anyways, we quit practicing once it gets dark because no one can "see" the ball. Which, it is hard to see it. But anyways, Biggs is afraid of someone getting hit in the face or something. People get hit in the damn face even when they CAN see it, one. Two, we play at night and the lights aren't really much better where we play. Three, WE HAVE LITTLE TEAM COHESION!!! Only practice will fix that. Another thing, we have some people on R&R so he's brought new players onto the team. Which, is frustrating because numerous players, as well as myself, have been so so SO devoted to coming out and all we do is share playing time with some of these people who couldn't give a rats ass about playing except when they find it convenient. Ugh! It sounds so childish but I think those of us who always come out should get priority! I have NEVER played on such a lazy team! My old coaches would easily bench someone who thought they were too good to show most of the time. UGH. Infuriating! Anyways, like 40 mins of softball and of course I was mad so I ran a mile at an easy pace then went and played racquetball for an hour. Which, I actually didn't do bad at! I can't wait to show Frame. Which brings me to another point. Frame is always telling me to not let other people upset me so much, among other people that also tell me this, but Frame REALLY puts it into perspective. I just get so so so irritated with everyone around me. Here's my theory, I think its a mix of things. 1) I'm away from my comfort zone where I can just go home and chill out or do whatever, back to the whole no "me" time, so I get fed up faster and really dwell on stupid crap that normally I just forget about. 2) I see these people who make me mad and I don't get a "break" from them, which normally makes me forget whatever it was. 3) People are different on deployment, it brings out the worst in a lot of people, myself included. I'm actually very disappointed in myself for not being as resilient and loving and forgiving as I normally am. Its just so hard to be when people are just TERRIBLE. 4) I'm young and dumb and this is part of being young and dumb. 5) People. Love. Drama. Anyways. The point is, I have to learn to be okay with everyone around me not being fuel to be a better person. I hate my section, I hate being a normal soldier right now. I won't even go to the boards! I would normally JUMP at a chance for self-improvement. But here? I choose to be a slick sleeve instead of wearing a patch that I at one point looked forward to wearing. I dread the idea of doing anything that gets me recognized. Part of that though isn't just being HERE, its that I feel like myself and other soldiers have been jipped. I don't think I should have to go to a board to be "soldier of the month". I think that, just like any award, you get selected because of the things you do on a regular basis. Soldiers like Miller who always help others, stay late when needed, ALWAYS go above and beyond, soldiers who do all of that should be recognized because its his CHARACTER, not his show he puts on to get a decoration. But someone like our last soldier of the month winner? Someone who doesn't pass height/weight or PT and has to be supervised to accomplish any work? Thats not an asset to the Army, thats a burden. Anyways. But in this brigade we are taught to do whatever the fuck we want and its okay. So much crap. I'm not sure if its this unit, a "kinder, gentler Army" overall or just the way I'm perceiving things. I just can't imagine some of the shit that has gone on here flying elsewhere. A guy pulled a knife on his battles several times and only received 1 week of CQ as punishment. The Fort Bliss troublemakers. There was a former cadet, now LT, who has inappropriate relations with an officer, who at the time, was a company commander. They are both here and deployed together. She got no punishment and he lost command of his unit, but will regain it if he "behaves" while he is here. We have 2 other soldiers who cheated on their spouses and with someone in their chain of command, they were not punished. It just makes no sense for me, I and many others always behave because we have higher standards. But when people do get in trouble, they are asked to do what we do all along anyways without being told to? Thats not punishment, thats making them achieve the standard like the rest of us. Anyways, disheartening. It was so nice when all I could see was the good in people. When I believed in everything and everyone. Enough of that, I know I KNOW Frame would kill me and he's right, its just not worth my worry. I need other things to do. But for now, I will sleeeeeep. So tired! Night to all.